Dream's Shadow
by janya.wrote.nightrose
Summary: Edward leaves Bella again- but in this story, she doesn't join a new coven and wait for his return. A plane flight to Italy, a new life, an intricate disguise and an unbelievable power give her a second chance to gain her love. AU, post-Eclipse. R
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter One of a Novel-Length Fanfic. My take on the overdone cliche, a challenge from Iris. Hopefully it's different. Please REVIEW!**

I knew. I always, always knew I wasn't good enough. Why was I surprised it had come to this?

He'd never loved me. Or maybe he had. Really, it was more like… a fascination. That was it, a sick obsession. His life must be so much healthier since I've been removed from it. I have a brief mental picture of his brilliant glory standing up at an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. "Hi, my name is Edward. I've been off Bella for two months."

Two months. God, two months. Two months of waiting for them to come for me. But I can't wait. I stink at waiting, always have.

I have to go and find _them._ And though the thought terrifies me, it is a relief. I cannot bear waiting for nothing.

Right now, nothing is what I am and what I have.

And there will never be anything more…

_"I love you," I whispered. He did not respond. I knew then._

_ "Isabella, I need to ask you something," he began._

_ I would not allow him to be hurt. All his pain would become mine. That was how I loved him. I could not let him feel guilty, no matter the agony that would destroy me when he disappeared. "You don't have to. I see it in your face."_

_ "You know?"_

_ "Yes. And you don't have to say it."_

_ "Thank you." _

_ "Anything. I lov-"_

_ But I didn't finish. That would hurt him. I could not allow him to be hurt._

_ "The others are in Italy already. They think you're coming too, that we're going to get married there. I'm sorry to deceive them, but I'm doing the right thing for myself, for once."_

_ "That's all I want. You aren't happy with me?"_

_ "No."_

_ He was telling the truth. I was absolutely sure. It was not like last time. His eyes were their usual liquid light, but distant. There was no devotion in them._

_ "Then go. I forbid you to stay here where you're miserable. Go away, far away. Don't come back unless… don't come back." I couldn't leave him a way back in, to get himself stuck with useless me._

_ "Isabella, thank you."_

_ He moved to go. "Wait," I whispered. "I won't keep you long. Just take this, please. I can't stand to keep it… but leave the pictures." I slipped off my- his mother's- ring. He nodded and took it. He did not protest. And then I was sure._

_ Any hope was crushed. I had to keep the realization hidden, though. He could not ever know how much I was hurt. That would hurt him._

_ He smiled my favorite smile. The beauty of it stabbed deep. "I have loved you more than I thought possible. I shall grieve for what could have been- but know that I do only what I must. There are others for me, I think, better ones. Not that you aren't a dear, lovely person- I just am different. I don't mean to sound vain, but it never should have been."_

_ True, maybe. I nodded because he needed my assent and I couldn't bring myself to verbalize agreement. _

_ "Good-bye, Isabella."_

_ "Will you do me a favor? Say my name one more time."_

_ "Bella. Good-bye."_

_ Those syllables, entirely without affection, were the last._

_ He disappeared, ridiculously perfect. I knew I would never see him again. "Good-bye, Edward," I whispered. It was the last time I would ever speak his name. _

_ The pain overcame, but I forestalled it with a thought. I knew what I needed._

_ "Jacob."_

I'd been waiting for months. And they hadn't come. They weren't coming for me. So I would go to them. I was sick and tired of waiting.

I couldn't wait to die. What was life, anyway? Pain. I had suffered so, so much… and now there was nothing left that could hurt me… yes, I would go to them, and they would kill me, and I would go somewhere else. It couldn't possibly have as much pain. I believed in God, in a general way. Maybe in heaven, I would be enough for him.

That was all I really wanted.

_"Billy? Where's Jacob?"_

_ His great wise eyes were full of pity. Billy Black understands suffering- the suffering of his people, of his broken body, of his heart which weeps for his dead wife. "He's gone. He phased when he got the wedding invitation."_

_ "He wasn't supposed to get one! I didn't want to hurt him."_

_ "Why have you come here? Aren't you one of them?"_

_ "Billy, oh, Billy, he left again. He left me again."_

_ He wheeled around, closer to me. "Bella, listen to me. Leeches do not have hearts. I know it will hurt at first, to think your love was a lie, but he is incapable of love."_

_ Maybe it would have been a comfort, but I couldn't believe it. I who had seen Carlisle and Esme, Jasper and Alice, Emmett and Rosalie? I who'd almost been the target of the vengeful rage, product of Victoria's love destroyed. I couldn't believe it. He was able to love. I just wasn't worth it._

_ "Jake's gone."_

_ "Yes. He's out of range… the pack can call him back, but they won't. And he won't answer."_

_ "Will he come back?"_

_ "Eventually. Maybe."_

_ No. No! NOOO!! I couldn't. Can't. I can't. I crumpled to the floor right there, clutching my sides with my hands, weeping, weeping. Billy looks on with sensitive and sorrowing eyes._

_ "I'm sorry," he whispered._

_ I can't answer. Too much pain. Alone, alone, always alone. Jake won't return. Edward won't. I knew it would happen. Oh, God. The pain. Why, why, why me? Why must I suffer so!_

_ Because I am worthless. Oh Oh Oh!_

_ Ah!_

_ I screamed within. Oh! Ooh!_

_ I was falling, falling, like a house destroyed from within. This would kill me. I could not survive without one love or another. Jacob, I should have picked you. I should have gone with the one who wanted me, not fallen for a stupid fairytale._

_ I'm sorry, Jake._

_ Edward, Edward. If only I could have been enough. I'm sorry I can't be. I love you so much, and I'm sorry for that also. It can only hurt you as I die._

_ I wanted to die so much it hurt. _

_ Surprising, that there was any more room in me for pain._

_ And somehow that thought sent another wave of agony through me._

_ I was too crippled to be embarrassed at my position, on my hands and knees, weeping on the floor in front of a man I really knew mostly through my father's stories. But Billy didn't speak, and the silence was comforting. _

_ As much comfort as I could take._

_ Through the pain._

Yes, I would go. Charlie would understand. My disappearance would probably pain him less than my emptiness, anyway.

Maybe the Volturi would change me, and I would be strong and beautiful, and he would love me.

No, that was silly. He could never love me. Never, never.

Besides, I smell good. They'll just eat me, and then my suffering will at last be over. I hope they have Edwards in heaven. I was there when he loved me, I hope I will return when I die.

_I was honestly stupid enough to expect him to wait for me. When I knew he was only second best…_

_ But he'd said…_

_ No, he'd never promised to wait. That had been… Edward._

_ AH!_

_ Damnit. Couldn't even think the name. The pain lanced through me. I felt my stomach acids eating through my shoes, like my internal walls had been breached and all my organs were jumbled up like the handwriting of a dyslexic six year old._

_ And he couldn't wait, after all. Didn't want me even when I'd chosen him… not even a choice, really._

_ Jake, I _need_ you. I love you. Not like I love him, but enough, it could have been enough, if you'd been there I'd have lived, Jake, now I'm dying, look what you've done._

_ And then after interminable months of my slow dying, Jacob opened the front door as I was making dinner._

_ "Hey? Bells?"_

_ "Jake." I was delighted to see him, but I couldn't show emotion. Not wouldn't, couldn't._

_ "What's wrong?"  
"Jake. Oh, god. Jake, he left me again! You were right, he never loved me, it was all a lie… I'm so sorry! I'm so glad you're here, he's gone…" and sorrow and fury and relief and love and pain warred in my gut._

_ Jake's brow twisted. "Bella, I am sorry. I guess you probably don't want to hear this… Bella, this is Aliene. Aliene, Bella."_

_ She was slender, busty, and beautiful. I knew then that he was never mine, any more than the other _him_ was._

_ "Oh. You imprinted."_

_ "I'm sorry."_

_ "Nothing you could have done."_

_ I should have said something kind to Aliene, who looked frightened out of her wits, but I didn't have it in me. Jake looked kindly and regretfully on me for one more minute, and then he left._

_ I was grateful for that._

_ Now I could fall to pieces without the inconvenience of his stupid girlfriend's prying eyes, without his pity._

_ I couldn't stand pity. Couldn't take that pain compounding pains. I was in agony. It wasn't Jake's fault, of course. It was my own rejection that had led him to take flight and find her._

_ I had no one to blame but my own damn self._

_ Own fault, own fault, own fault._

_ Echoed like curses._

_ No one else to blame. No one else to hate. An endless cycle of agony._

_ Once my life had been love. Hadn't I suffered enough? What crime could be worth this?_

_ Whatever fire and brimstone he believed in, this, this was true hell. He knew nothing of pain, nothing of torture. He had not felt this._

_ I whispered a word into the loneliness. "Please."_

_ I didn't even know with whom I was pleading or what I supplicated for._

Yes, I was going. My mind is made up now. With the careful, cautious movements that are all my limbs will provide, I walk upstairs and knock on Charlie's door. It is the only preparation I can make.

"Dad?"

"Bella." It has been hell around here. He is so miserable. It isn't just me who's being killed by this.

"Dad, Jake… you know he's getting married? To Aliene?"

"Oh, Bells. I'm so sorry."

"I can't take it, Dad."

"No! Bella, there's always another answer…"

"I'm not going to kill myself." I'm going to ask someone else to do it for me. "There are some friends of the Cullens, who I met in L.A. I think I'm going to go talk to them, to see if they know where they are. I need to talk to them… to him."

"You aren't coming back."

"No. If I can't find them… I'll look harder. Or go to Renee. Or something… Dad, I love you."

"Good-bye, Bella. I love you."

"Thanks, Daddy. Thank you for everything. I'm so sorry."

"You're not the one who should be sorry. How could Jake, of all people…"

"It isn't his fault. When you find something like he has… I couldn't want him to be without it. He wouldn't be my Jacob."

"I'll miss you."

"You too."

I hug my father one last time. He smiles into my hair, and I leave, taking with me nothing but a change of clothes and _Wuthering Heights._

I can't read it, of course, it is far too painful- even thinking about it sends agony spiraling into my soul- but I know having it will comfort me as I walk into that dark and forbidding chamber.

_It is like a circle. Live, live, live. You must live. He wants you to live._

_ No he doesn't. I can't live. He doesn't want me to live or he'd be here, keeping me alive. _

_ Die, die, die._

_ But I can't die. Charlie._

_ How much does Charlie matter in the face of this? I love my father. He is important, good, loving. But I can't. I can't do this. _

_ I want to die._

_ Kill me!_

_ Oh, God. Kill me._

_ Why do I have to live like this? Without him?_

_ It's every bit as bad… no, it's worse. Last, time, it didn't hurt as much. Probably because then, then I had Jake, then I had his voice. Now it is just me and the pain that is bigger than me. I cannot carry this burden through life. I cannot go on pretending. I want to die._

_ I must die, because I am being killed._

_ I just want it to end…_

_ How silly that sounds, but it is the simple truth. Sounds like a line from a romance novel. It has become my life._

_ I want the pain to end. Oh, I'd like him back- I'd like for him never to have left me. But that's absolutely ridiculous. While I'm at it, I'd like to grow a bra size and win the lottery!_

_ Lottery… piano… Edward…_

_ Ow._

_ God, this stinks._

_ My only realistic option to avoid this is death. And that is when a plan begins to form…_

I am on my way. I wonder if Edward's plane ride was anything like this, back when he thought I was dead and knew he would die soon. Perhaps… it is the same, the excruciating pain, the prayer for relief from the same people.

But that is a dangerous train of thought. I spend a moment deliberating, then decide to risk the pain. I am only hours away from its end. I allow myself the most forbidden thing- sweet thoughts of him.

I think his name, then speak it, quietly so as to not annoy the lady beside me. "Edward…" I feel the pain lance through me like an actual wound. It is worth it, though, for the sweet memory of what it once was… mine.

I can see his face so perfectly. In fact, I can even look at the picture. I pick it out of my pocket and gaze at him. He is so perfect. His skin, pale as the border around the paper, doesn't shine, but I can imagine it is. All his features are perfect, especially his eyes, which glow. Even through the paper, they warm my empty soul.

Edward…

The woman smiles at me. "Is he your boyfriend?"

"He was my fiancée."

"What happened?" Her tone is concerned.

"I'm not sure. But it's over."

She sees the look in my face and sighs. "I'm sorry."

"Thank you."

Maybe it's natural human curiosity, but I couldn't help hating this woman slightly. It was my pain, not hers. She had no right…

"I know I'm probably hurting you bringing this up. And I'm a total stranger. But… I'm on my way to my daughter's house, for her funeral. She's about your age, just moved out for college… honey, your life is just starting. Love is beautiful, but it isn't everything."

"This was."

"Maybe."

I will never see this woman again in my life, and she didn't change anything, but it is good to know, in a sick sadistic way, that I'm not the only one ever to be hurt like this. My pain is the greatest, but I will not be the first or last with an empty heart, or left with no heart at all. Because I gave it to him, and he took it and ran.

I grab my iPod, hit the play key, and listen to the agonizing music. It starts slow and soft and grows so sweet I can hardly bear to hear it. I can almost imagine his voice humming over the notes, his soft supple fingers stroking the keys. "This… this is your lullaby. I wrote it for you, Bella. Sleep, my love…"

Love. What a beautiful, destructive word. It has destroyed me. But while it was mine, it was the most beautiful thing in the world. No, it was the world, the whole world, and I would set the world aflame to have it back, to have him back.

I would kill. I will die. I only pray that some doppelganger of his perfection shall be mine to love hereafter.


	2. Chapter 2

**REVIEW!**

I dismounted the plane to redoubled agony.

Alice. How could Alice do this to me twice? She was my sister! And she lets him walk away. Oh, he has every right to, he doesn't owe me a thing, but Alice could have said good bye. That's all I wanted, good bye. And she didn't give me two damn words.

The last time, she came back for me. Because he still "loved" me. She helped me save him. She was by my side in this foreign place, her eyes burning, her excitement and joy cooled to a tense purposefulness.

I missed them so much.

Not as much as I missed him…

"Taxi!"

"Where to, miss?"

"Volterra."

His eyes widened. "You got the money?"

I gestured at my life's savings. What else would I need them for?

After all, my life would never be saved.

I got in the cab and closed the door. As once I had, alone though much more temporarily so, before, I spent the ride with him. I knew it would hurt when the fantasy was over, but I couldn't avoid temptation. I gazed into his photographed eyes and turned the product of his dancing hands up all the way, until it hurt my ears, and imagined.

I imagined I was enough. That he had stayed, that he still loved me. That he had ever loved me, for that matter. I imagined walking down the aisle on Charlie's arm, the room a soft ivory, every surface dripping with lavender flowers. Alice was bouncing from the excitement, and even Rosalie wore a slight smile. Jasper and Emmett were standing still at Edward's side…

And then the rest of the room spiraled out of sight. I could only see him. He was so exquisite. His skin was a perfect white against his black tuxedo, every angle of body and clothing crisp. He wore a crooked smile, and it seemed so earnestly adoring. His hair was ruffled by a slight breeze that made it dance. And Edward's eyes… they were so alive. They stared into my soul, with this look in them like I, not he, was an angel, like he wanted never to look away.

I broke away with a gasp… I'd done enough damage to myself. This trip brought enough pain without deluding myself into binding him to me forever. Why had he ever bothered coming back?

I guess I can't understand him. Just like I can't be enough to love him.

I would have cried, but I hurt too much.

Finally, we were outside the sepia walls. I handed over a significant proportion of all the money I'd ever had and walked inside.

I knew what to do now. I walked into the city, traced a half-familiar path to the clock tower (it wasn't that hard to find) and stood on the fountain.

This was very painful. I'd only ever been here once, and he had been so close then. Sure, at the time I'd known the truth, that he didn't love me, but in memory it was tainted with the beautiful dream that he did.

I couldn't get up to the tower, but I attracted plenty of stares. Good. I opened my mouth wide and hollered at the top of my lungs, "I vampires esistino!" This was the extent of my Italian. I'd looked it up on Babel Fish before going home.

I know the internet isn't always reliable, but from the gasps and hurrying mothers, I was right.

They would be coming now, because vampires do exist.

It takes all of five minutes for Jane to emerge from the shadows. Instinctively, I am terrified. However, the relief is stronger. Soon, soon the pain will be gone.

"Follow, Isabella."

I obey. Her grace is magnetic.

"No one believed you, you know. And you could simply have asked- we're always thirsty."

"I didn't know where to find you."

"Ah. I see. This way."

This time he is not there to catch me. Instead, Jane's iron arms stop my fall, and briskly set me on my feet. Her walk and touch are both businesslike, sensible, though she has a child's form.

"Aro?"

"Jane, dearest, oh, and Bella! What a _delightful _surprise."

Aro's happiness made my soul ache, as all joy did… like with Jake. He'd tried to be my friend, but seeing his face when she walked in the door just ripped more little holes in my spongy heart.

"Kill me."

He chuckles. "You and your Edward. So direct."

"Please."

"He was mistaken, child. You could be just as easily."

"He isn't going to change me. You have to. You have to kill me. Please."

"May I ask why you are so desperate for your life to end?"

"He left me again."

Marcus and Caius walk in. Marcus speaks slowly. "You are not the first to lose one you love. Life goes on. There is no choice."

He sounds regretful.

I decide to say exactly what they think. I mean, what else can they do to me? I _want_ to be killed. "With all due respect… He told me you lost your mate a long time ago, but at least… at least she loved you until the end."

"That's true, I suppose."

"And it's not just him. It's the whole family. All of them… I was going to be married and changed and part of something forever and now I'm alone."

There is a moment of silence. The eternal eyes dart from face to face, naming those they love silently, counting the pain if they had to do without, as I must. "Why come to us, Isabella? Why not kill yourself in some other way?"

"Alice would see, and might try to stop me. And I couldn't do that to Charlie. Also, I thought there was a chance… I might not… you might not want to kill me. You might change me instead."

"You would not want forever alone, Isabella." Marcus speaks for the second time. "I see the strength of the bond you believe severed. It hurts to look at, it is so intense. You would not want forever alone."

"But if I'm changed… he might want me. And even if he doesn't, I can chase after him forever. I'll be able to stay close by and just… just see him." I would give the pain of forever for one last look. How much more would I sacrifice to spend that lonesome eternity with him, however much of a distance he placed me at?

"Such a shame I cannot know your mind. It must be simply _fascinating…_ Brothers?"

"Kill her. Let her life… her pain end. I would not kill one of our kind, especially not the son of your friend, Aro, but a human… their lives are nothing. She does not know what she will suffer."

"Change her. The laws will be satisfied, and this child may well be powerful once one of us."

"I am inclined to agree, Caius. Very well… shall we?"

I close my eyes. "Thank you." I hadn't even dared to ask these archaic and ancient beings, and now I could live forever. I could chase after him, and, however far-fetched it seemed, I might, might, win him back. Ah, for shadows of dreams…

I try very hard not to think what could have happened… or what the date is. It's August 13th. It's my wedding day.

I try not to imagine him waiting for me. I try not to imagine _trying…_ being so close to him. Is that why he left? Am I so repulsive?

But above all else, I try not to imagine him changing me, his lips against my throat, his venom staining and turning me that I might be his forever.

I am, though. I will always be his.

No matter what, I belong to him. I only wish he were mine.

Yes, yes, do it. Please.

I plead silently with the perfect pale face. It bends closer and closer to my throat, the teeth gleaming. Maybe Aro will kill me. Maybe he will not.

Either way, this is a dream come true.

A relief…

Yes, yes, yes.

His teeth reach my throat. For an instant, they are merely a cool, wet pressure on the skin, and then he closes his jaw. The pain is instant, just that of the teeth biting through my skin. Then the venom seeps through. I don't scream. If it were the one I love (I don't think his name) I might cry out, but in this home of monsters, I will be brave and stay silent.

The pain rushes through. I can hear my heart beat, it's rather disturbing. Da-dum, da-dum, da-dum, da-dum. I know this is the last time I will ever know that regular rhythm. I recall that _he_ liked my heartbeat… if that wasn't a part of the lie. My beautiful memories are all stained with pain now, with doubt, because he never loved me.

That hurts worse. The venom is terrible, agony rushing through me like my own blood, but knowing he does not want me, that hurts worse. "Not as bad," I whisper to myself, and I am comforted. Because it's true… nothing is that bad. It's like when Jake imprinted. I loved him. My heart could have broken, but it didn't, because it's gone, and so nothing in the universe can be that bad. "Not as bad," I whisper again, and I am comforted.

That becomes a mantra, of sorts. I do not scream throughout the four long days. I merely grit my teeth and whisper to myself. I can survive this. I have been through so much worse. I have lost the most precious thing in the universe, twice. I have had my greatest dream, found, lost, returned beyond expectations, and again dashed to shattered pieces, this time beyond repair. Not as bad.

My body is not broken half so badly as my heart.

My life flashes behind my eyes… the last time I was dying, I thought it was not so. I see the same thing, but this time I know I am no different. I do not see my childhood or my friends. I only see him. I see my life, the reason for my living, and I wince at the pain…

And yet I smile at the incredible, jaw-dropping beauty. Even in imperfect memory, he is perfect. I should be glad of our brief and blessed time together, but I cannot bring myself to that. No, only agony is there… it hurts too much for gratitude.

Edward smiles crookedly in my head. "Are you all right?" he whispers. "I'm sorry you hurt."

He's talking about the pain of transformation. "Fine, as long as you're here."

"I'll always be here."

I smile at my delusion while my broken soul weeps.

The moment of awakening is silent. I don't think or hear. I don't even register it… then, suddenly, the decrease in pain is noticeable. I sit up, look around, smile slightly. "Bring me a mirror," I whisper. I pray that some miracle has occurred, that I have been rendered beautiful in the pain, that it is worth it…

Felix is there, smiling sarcastically. "You do not rule here, Cullen girl."

"I'm not one of them."

"That's true. You're not. You don't even have that pull, the connection with Aro's friend. I would not, Miss _Swan_, give orders here. We can destroy you."

"I don't care. You see, there's no threat that matters to me. Nothing in the world can hurt me now."

"We can destroy him."

The mere thought sends shudders down my soul, ripping yet another fault line there, deeper and deeper, when I thought I couldn't be hurt more. I am beginning to realize there is always more room for pain, especially when your heart has been so swollen with love. The idea of him suffering, of him being… destroyed… is impossible. Didn't I let him leave me to avoid him being so much as _bored?_ Don't I suffer all this for one sake, for his?

"I apologize."

"Good."

"May I please see a mirror?"

"Yes. I'll grab one."

He is clearly disgruntled he didn't get a chance to hurt someone. His icy smile disturbs me, fills me with fear… if Edward is hurt, I will perish even further.

The mirror is small, and it is not without trepidation that I peer into its surface. I gasp.

I have not changed. My skin is paler, my features a touch straighter, my hair shinier, but I am no beauty, never was, never will be. The hope is crushed… and my eyes. My eyes are repellent. I remember how he claimed to love them as a human, the liar… but now no one could give that lie. They were terrible. Like a ruby, lustrous, gleaming, bright, gem-like, yes, but not…

They are so unnatural. I hate them. I hate my disappointing new self. I hate everything about it. He should have been here. This moment was supposed to end with me sighing or screaming or something and him touching those glassy lips to my throat and muttering to my new-frozen skin, "You are so beautiful. I have created such an angel."

Ludicrous. I'm lying to myself in ridiculous ways… I'm disappointed to say that the pain has not faded, is not at all forgotten, with my new being. I am not an angel created, but a demon.

I sob, with the tears I've lost hanging desired and impossible. "Oh, Edward."

"Will you remain with the Volturi?"

This is Aro, entering the room. He, in the night black robes, has a face so grave it might rival my woeful mask.

"I'm sorry. I must go look for him…"

"Wait. Alec's power may…"

"What is it?"

"He can determine… and control… other vampire's abilities. He can tell what yours is. Alec?"

The beautiful child steps from the shadows. He smiles, a mirror of his sister's attack, and then squints at Aro. "Master, this girl is very, very interesting."

"What is her power?"

"A strange amalgamation, master, of my own and her love's… she can see thoughts… and control them."

I stifle the pain. Is there nothing which cannot hurt me? The mere thought of my own strongest ability is so like him I can barely comprehend it… I know I can never use it.

"Fascinating! I've never seen anything like it! Dear, dear Bella… will you not remain here a while? Your power could be so useful."

"I'm sorry." The denial hangs in the air. Aro flexes his hand at Felix…

Suddenly it dawns on me. They mean to attack. They will not let me go… no, they will! They must!

"Go back, Felix," Aro orders. _Yes, that's right. She has every right to leave._

I run before my power is overcome by Alec. The walls of Volterra fade quickly. Now, I must find my once-family. I haven't the faintest idea where to start. I may have to wander. The world is a large and empty place, and I don't know where in it they are.

I have no way to contact any of them. I don't know where they might have gone, but I do have a thought. Eventually, they'll have to move somewhere. If I stay in one location long enough, they'll find me.

I run down the streets of Italy as I make my plan. Carlisle is from England. He needs to work in a city. How hard can it be to swim there, convince someone to hack into a computer system for me, and track the name _Cullen_? It's a good plan. I can wait forever.

That is one thing that is no disappointment about the transformation. I have an eternity to spend awaiting him. Someday he may return. I have to believe that. Someday I will have something to live for. It would have been so much simpler just to have killed myself, I think glumly, and then sigh. Would I give up my last chance for him?

No, I will suffer everything If there is a shadow of a hope, the fleeting remembrance of my gilded dream, eternity's pain is worth it.

I do not collapse in agony. Instead, I put it from my mind, turn, and make a plan. I add a new dimension. I need to find Alice first. She can tell me if I have any chance, and she will help me decide what to do.

If she hasn't turned her love to loathing also. My own sister left me twice! Without a word…

I know Edward tricked them, but shouldn't she have seen it? How could she?

I sigh. The whole not-thinking thing is really not working.

I sprint for the coast. The journey takes almost an hour, but I don't mind. It is pleasant to feel the world fly past me, weightless. It isn't true happiness, of course. That only exists with him. But it's the most pleasure I can find in an empty life.

And I run on, faster, drowning out pain in whistling wind.

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	3. Chapter 3

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The days mean nothing. Four hundred of them have come and gone, and nothing but the glow of this screen with its worthless roster of torturous names is my companion.

I have not found them.

I simply wait here, staring at a computer that lists every schoolchild named Cullen in the world.

It's a common name.

43 thousand hits, actually. There are five Rosalies, seven Jaspers, four Emmetts, a hundred and thirty-six Alices… ten Edwards.

None of them are even in the same states.

I spend my days waiting for new entries… or feeding. I don't have the control of Carlisle. I'm no saint.

In short, I kill people.

I'm not proud of it. It is my greatest shame. In the moment I leap for a bleeding wound, I feel such horror at myself.

I follow the path he once took, killing those who kill others. Still, I am ending lives.

I am a murderer.

Every instant my soul cries out, this is not the way it should have happened! He should be here, smiling, whispering of his undying love, christening this new life with the eternal glory of adoration, keeping my heart safe and my desires checked. He could have held me back. I am a killer. It is my failing.

And his fault.

It's really all his fault… I blame him and yet I don't. I love him with such a love I can't blame him even for all he's done. I don't hate him for the killing of my heart or for the killings he's forced upon my heart.

They are, however, his. My sins are mine, but I am his. Too bad he won't accept my soul. If he didn't want it pure, how much more loathsome will it be so stained?

Oh, Edward…

I sob with the dry tears I can produce. My heart rends further. I wonder where my immense capacity for pain came from. Isn't the transformation supposed to dull all things?

It doesn't dull love. And so it can't dull my pain. But the days fade into each other. There is no sparkle. There is no light. There is only the endless agony of waiting.

I did this so I could find him, not so I could wait longer. I don't want to be powerless, held in thrall to a departed god who will never shower me with his bright favors again.

I kick the monitor. Miraculously, five new names shimmer on the screen.

The entry looks like this.

School First Last Location

Jansbury Secondary Rosalie Hale jansbury

Jansbury Secondary Japer Hale Jansbury

Jansbuty Secondary Alice Cullen Jansbury

Jansbury Secondary Emmett Cullen Jansbury

Jansbury Secondary Edward Cullen Jansbury

I gasp. They are not twenty miles away from me right now. How fate corrects itself!

The pain is a mild shock to the fading glory of relief.

Finally, there is something I can do. I can find them, and talk to them, and see them… see him. His beauty will blind me. I can love him with some little comfort of his presence.

I thank the god I just realized I believe in, and I grab my belongings. The only things I bring are an iPod with his songs, a printout of their address, and a photograph of his beauty…

Soon the last will not be necessary. I may not have him, but to look on him will be enough…

All my love beats in my heart like the blood I no longer possess.

Alice is the first person I see in town.

"Why?" she asks. "Bella, how could you?"

I am confounded. What is she talking about? What have I done? "What the _hell_? What did I do?"

"How could you… what's going on? First you leave Edward, and then you turn up as a vampire…"

"I didn't leave Edward." So he lied to her. It's comforting to know she hates me only for falsities.

"You didn't?"

"He left me. I told him he could go, but only so I wouldn't hurt him."

Her face contorts. "I should rip his face off. I should kill him. How could he do that?"

"I'm nothing special, Alice. Just a human… well, not anymore. But I'm still no beauty, no angel. He deserves better. I can't blame him for knowing it."

"You're my best friend, but in all honesty, from a completely objective perspective, you are special. He knows it… or he should. And he made a promise."

"Alice, I need to live with you."

"Yes, you do."

"You have to… Alice, I fed from humans."

She draws a slow, steady breath. "You're still Bella. We'll teach you. What's your power?"

"I can control thoughts, or another vampire's power…"

"That will be very useful. I have a plan, Bella. It may not work… do you think you can make me forget something?"

"Probably. I'm new at this."

"I need to forget you're Bella. And you need to trick Edward… our whole family… into something. Something big."

"What? Spit it out, Alice."

She looks up at the misty sky. I marvel at the realization that one member of my family, at least, still wants me. "I need you to dress up as someone else."

"Okay."

"I think it would work better… if you pretend to be a boy."

Look at this logically, Bella. Come on. Ignore the instinctive biting rejection. He'll never love you, what does it matter… "Why?"

"They'll recognize you. You may be able to control their thoughts for a while, but Edward, at least, will know who you are. But if you keep your hair curled up… I can do it for you… and wear boy's clothes, no one will know, Bella. They won't think… if your hair is covered… lie and say it fell out, wear a wig, I don't care. But your eyes are red now. No one will recognize you."

"Okay. Let's do it."

"You're going to have to make me forget, or else my thoughts will give us away."

"No one will know?"

"No one will know."

That will be hard… I can scarcely believe what I am doing. "All right. Get me costumed, go home. I'll wipe your mind as you finish dressing me up."

"Just like old times."

I grin widely at that. "Yeah, before I was, you know, an empty shell and all that."

"You're not doing any better, are you?"

"No. It's like last time."

"As brilliant as my plan is, there's something to be said for the simpler solution."

"What's that?"

"Punching Edward out. It would be very… satisfying."

I would have snickered if I wasn't enveloped by agony.

The house was jaw-dropping in majesty. Unlike their earlier residence, it was butter yellow. The windows were edged in tan. It was lovely.

I gulp back fear. The sheer size of it makes me want nothing more than to sprint for safety, for somewhere, anywhere, else… but it is the only place I can be without pain. Now I have a new fear. What if I am discovered?

I walk up to the house and knock twice on the door. Esme answers it. My mother. I want to throw myself into her arms and sob. Instead, I reach into her mind. _Who is that? The face is familiar…_

I edit these musings. _I've never seen anyone like him. I wonder why he's here._

I look into her eyes, golden and beautiful. "Hello. My name is Jacob. Will you teach me how to live on animals?"

I am surprised at my own choice of pseudonym. It will only cause more pain. However, it may distract them. Yes, a good idea. And I won't have any trouble remembering it.

Esme smiles at me, the familiar motherly joy. "Why, of course! We'll be glad to. Come on in, dear."

I feel my heart thaw a little. They will accept me. I will not be so alone in the world. My family is mine again, although I am not myself.

"Everyone!" Esme calls, in a pitch no louder than human conversation. They tumble gracefully down the stairs, my beautiful family.

Rosalie is first. Her eyes are shaded, her loveliness somehow wan.

Emmett follows right behind her. His eyes narrow when they see me…

Then Carlisle. He is shocked.

Alice isn't… she never is. But she smiles. I am relieved to discover her mind has no memory of making me this person. She doesn't know me.

Jasper holds her hand.

Finally, he walks down. Edward. I choke back a thick sob. They can't know. Edward. He is so beautiful. My soul heals. I can breathe. I can breathe! There is pain, but it isn't the choking, all-consuming, agony it was. It is merely the pain of knowing he doesn't want me. As long as I am with him, I have a heart to be broken.

"Everyone, this is Jacob."

"Hello," I say. "The Volturi changed me, but I… I heard about you. I don't want to kill people."

I speak simply, knowing a complex lie will trip me up. I stink at lying.

"We've always got room. Would you like to get settled? I think there's an extra room."

"At least mine won't be hijacked again," Edward teases, elbowing Alice in the ribs.

The beauty of that voice! It is as pure and sweet as an angel's prayer.

I forced myself to focus.

"I can read thoughts," Edward offers, "but I'm not getting anything from you. Any idea why?"

I come up with a way to further the deception. "That's my power." Keep them from suspecting their minds around me.

It hurts to lie to the people I love.

"Oh. That makes sense."

Without any further words, Edward runs upstairs. Esme watches him leave, and then she shows me to a room. It's small and lined with books.

I like it quite a lot.

Esme sits on the bed and pats the seat next to her. "Sit down, Jacob."

I do so.

"I need to tell you something. Edward, my son, the one with the bronze hair. He is depressed right now, for lack of a better word. The girl he loves… he couldn't read her mind. I think you are reminding him of her."

"What happened to her?"

"She was human, and she left him, for a werewolf named Jacob."

So that's the lie he told them. "Poor guy."

"I just hope he can be happy with someone… so if he's not his usual charming self, don't you blame him. It's not his fault…"

I hear her mind complete, _It's hers._

Esme stands and leaves.

He lied to all of them. My entire family hates me. They think I left Edward.

Why? Why on earth would he do that?

I know. He knew someone would be blamed… and he didn't want it to be him. He didn't want his family to hate him. Why not turn that loathing to someone who would never again interfere with his life.

That was it. I shook the quiet impossibility whispering in the back of my mind.

Why would he be depressed if he didn't love me?

He couldn't love me. How could he love me? How could anyone?

The instant I'd turned my back, Jake had imprinted and saved himself from my love. Edward had left me twice. There wasn't a chance he loved me.

If I deluded myself it would only hurt more. At least I didn't have to sleep. At least I couldn't have nightmares.

No, Edward didn't want me. He wanted to never have to see me again… and I had taken away his choice for that in my disguised coming here.

I should leave. But I couldn't bear the pain. I wasn't strong enough to live on my own, I had proved that with my delusion hunting the first time, and now with this. I didn't have it in me to live without at least his presence. I need something. I won't ask for his love, but I need something, anything. Throw me a crumb, Edward. Let me stay here close beside you.

I won't ask for more.

I promise.

I put my head down on the soft blue pillow and try to hold myself together.

I think maybe he loved me. Maybe it wasn't all a lie. But he certainly can't love me now.

No, once his affections had been mine, but they had been fleeting on his part. He hadn't always been lying to me, what was the point?  
He'd never been in love before. So the first time was strong and strange. He'd gotten caught up in bloodlust and mistaken it for regular lust which had tricked him into false love. That was all.

And he'd lied to cover that up. His family wouldn't have understood. They were all so in love, and their love was the eternal vampire sort, not the fleeting romance of a teenage boy. Edward had never felt real love, so he mistook a stupid crush for what his family had.

Lucky he'd caught it in time.

I sob. It's even worse now that I can't cry. My arm makes its way around my waist, where I press it, trying to keep myself together. I cannot…

Then I remember. I am in Edward's house. He will never know who I am, but I can spend the rest of eternity here, with him. He will never love me, and I know I will never love again, but at least, at the very, very least, I can see him. I can feel his loved presence and know I am whole.

He is here. I have again a heart to break every time I look on that perfect, unattainable face.

He's not the villain here, I am. It's well within his right to leave me. He probably hasn't even considered my broken heart.

Who would? What am I that he should remember me?

Rather I should be glad for the fleeting moments.

And yet I cannot find it within me to do aught but want him…

Edward, Edward, Edward.

He is so near I feel no need to forbid myself his name. It hurts, of course, but not with the sick aching emptiness… I am whole. He is not a hundred feet away from me at this very moment.

I can, with my vampire ears, hear him in his room, two floors straight up. I do not torture myself by listening, yet there is an unmistakable sound, loud enough I cannot ignore it.

The sound is his beloved music.

Yet it holds none of the sweetness I recall…

I hear his fingers begin on the keys.

The beat is slow and low. Three identical wavering notes hover in the air, setting a sad tone. A tiny break separates each deep sound.

Then another sound breaks in. I can almost see his long, delicate fingers dancing over the keys, left hand beating out trios of deep weeping notes, like little sets of triplets, as his right hand sings on the higher notes.

It does not begin fast. It starts out weaving in and out at the same pace as the metronome-like low sounds. The tune is complex, though. High, higher, high, higher, pause, higher, higher, highest… long pause, high, middle, low…

He repeats again. This time the notes linger half as long.

And again.

And again.

The slow and the fast make up a beating, churning, discordant and yet perfect melody.

There is no love here. Different than the music I remember, though it is the same impossibly complex beauty. That was sweet, pulsing, slow and soft then fast and joyful. This too winds to a climax, but it is not bliss, it is agony.

He plays, as he always has, upon an instrument that sings the same tune as my heart.

The music grows a bit faster. Now he weaves in other notes, seemingly random. They flee to the edges of the tune…

They are nonsense. And then I realize as the beat expands in velocity that they follow the same pattern, high, higher, high, higher, higher, higher, highest, high, middle, low…

Just more extreme.

I begin to sob. My heart speeds in time to the increasing fervor of the beat. The seconds, nay, the world, seems to swarm at the same pace. The room spins, the multicolored spines of books a kaleidoscope of impossible whimsy. They are a rainbow, and then they are one, and then a rainbow again.

I sob. I can feel the inside of my soul crack, brittle, dry for lack of rain, for want of love.

The music speeds further. I slip from the bed, collapse, fall to the floor with a thunderous crash. My knees then my hands strike the ground, but they cause no pain. Even if I were human, that would be a mere annoyance compared to the great rending agony in my heart.

As the world closes, pulsing, in on me, I hear a cry as pained as I…

"Bella!"

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	4. Chapter 4

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It is his voice. I cannot think why he would cry my name. However, I can feel the pain. It shoots through me, spearing my soul.

Again, I hear it… "Bella."

This time is a whisper.

I strain to reach him the only way I can… my mind reaches, bending and twisting to catch its other half…

I see only darkness. I hear only pain.

Why? What is causing him this agony? Why would he cry the name of one he never loved?

My musings are interrupted by Esme. It hurts so much, to see her here, to know she doesn't know me.

"Jacob? May I?"

"Of course. Come in."

She enters, smiling as always. My mother. I struggle to calm my face and sense instead her mind. She is thinking about him.

"Jacob, you're probably wondering what that was all about. Edward has always been a bit introverted. He was alone for so long… and now that his heart's broken, he hardly ever comes out. At least he's living with us this time. He deals with it through music. His songs used to be so lovely, and now all it is… pain. It's like weeping. I can hear his tears in it… I shouldn't be burdening you with this, I suppose, but I guess… I think of all of you as my children. It seems almost as though I know you…"

Aloud, I said, "That's quite all right, Esme. You've taken me into your home. If I can help you in any way… it's so sad for Edward. I know how it is to lose the one you're meant for."

Internally, I am reaching into her mind and distracting her from any recollection of who I am. She cannot know me.

"You do?"

"Yes." I thought up a lie, and I thought it up quick. "I was married when the Volturi changed me. We were in Florence, on our honeymoon. We followed the beautiful woman into the city… took the bait. They killed her, but Alec thought I had potential. They changed me… but after a while, every person I killed had her face."

Esme's hand, no longer chill to my touch, rubs sympathetic circles on my back. This lie is a convincing one… "We've all dark pasts, Jacob. The important thing is to remember that you have a new life. It's like a gift. You can start over. I did."

"That's right…" I murmur, remembering. But Esme's life was over when it began. She had a loose end that became a happy ending, while my dream is doused in shadow.

"What was that, dear?"

The music begins again, sparing me from having to again unleash my power. The song is the same as before, only played with still more fury.

Esme sighs. "I'm going to go check in on him, if you'll excuse me. He won't be pleased, but I'm afraid he'll do himself such harm. He usually doesn't play so loudly."

She stands and leaves.

My brain reels.

He loves me.

He has to love me.

Intellectually, it makes no sense- I am in no way worthy…

But pure intellectualism cannot hear that music. It is the sound of a broken heart, a most familiar organ to this ear, and I know it is a true pain. Edward loves me.

Perhaps he weeps for another

Perhaps there is some other reason for that cry.

But I must believe it. He left me once, for my own good. Could he not repeat the mistake? I must believe it.

I cannot live believing it other.

So I shall try to live the only way I can. I will pretend that Edward loves me, that he left me for me a second time, that it is just an escalation of his self-hatred, that he is miserable.

As much as it hurts to imagine him in pain, I must, because otherwise my own agony will become too great to bear.

I think he loves me. I have to.

And I will pretend until the end of time.

The end of time- that gives me an idea. I can wait until the world ends for his love to return. Yet I will not. I am close to him, I can see him.

I can watch him.

I know the signs of emptiness, they are so deep a part of myself.

I know what to look for. If I find it, if I can convince myself with ample evidence that the soul of his song is a true one, I shall reveal myself.

And I may still get my happily ever after.

It will be difficult. In every second I am here, watching the life I should have had go on with out me, I will be in pain. That is a part of the price.

I will have to witness him hurting and not help when I know it is within my power. That, a cost almost too great to bear.

And finally, in the end, I may reveal myself, to find he does not love me, never loved me, and they will cast me out, and I will be alone forever.

There's always the Volturi, or I might be able to convince Irena it was I, not the wolves, responsible for Laurent's death.

The rest of my would-be murderers are gone. I almost regret that now.

But I have to do this. I have to try. I can't live forever wondering if there was a chance, if we could be happy.

And if he really is miserable, I must do my best to fix it. I have a duty, after all, with all the joy he's given me.

Never mind the pain that is its cost.

There is another side to this many edged sword. I will have a delicate balance. After all, I cannot leap too soon. I must be sure, absolutely sure, and I am certain that I will want to reveal myself and declare my devotion every minute.

And yet, it will be difficult to do that at all. It makes no sense that he should love me, and I have always been a sensible person. It will take a great deal to stop my head from outweighing even my heaviest of hearts.

I knock on his door. "Edward?"

"Come in," he whispers, resigned.

I am quite lucky he doesn't know my thoughts. Otherwise, this whole charade would probably be impossible, and certainly this conversation.

"I heard you playing," I say, eyes downcast. I have something of a fear he will know me if I let him look right into them… windows to the soul. Even though the color has changed, I still have Bella's eyes.

"Oh. I'm sorry. I haven't been very civil in welcoming you to our family."

I strained to hear his thoughts… and found nothing.

Interesting, but decidedly inconvenient. I could have brought up the subject of myself, listened into his mind, and easily discovered what the truth was.

That had, in fact, been my plan. Now, I would have to be a bit more subtle. I might have to spend far longer, planning, plotting, carefully laying clues here and again, following the path of guesses and little hints…

It wouldn't be easy. But it was possible.

And there was nothing I wouldn't do for even the chance he might love me. Even if I could only convince myself, it was a start.

After all, my life couldn't be darker than it is without him. "Don't worry, Edward. Esme told me about what had happened…"

His eyes darkened, chilled. He was so beautiful, even in his pain. I felt so whole, so healed. I could breathe. I wasn't just content. I was in heaven every second we were here, together.

"I can understand. I know what it's like to lose someone…"

"You lose many things when you're changed, Jacob. But this… it was meant to be, and I couldn't…"

"Yes?" I was eager. What would his next words be? Would he tell me, finally tell me he loved me… could he love me?

Stupid hope would only destroy me, and yet I could not live without it.

"I am sorry. I should not trouble you with this. I should like to be your friend, I think. You interest me… you're only the second person I've met whose thoughts were a mystery."

His words warm my heart, though they are far from the ones I so crave. "More than friends. Brothers."

He smiles, not the true crooked one that is so full of light and love, but a broken grin that nonetheless has some affection.

"All right, Jacob."

He gestures to the interior of his room. I enter, and we both sit down on the black couch. I notice one thing right away. It is totally and utterly different than his previous chamber. The music is in stacked boxes, not shelves. He has a new sound system.

The walls are painted black. There is neither couch nor bed.

Either he didn't care at all, or he misses me so much that the room we were supposed to share hurts him just to think of it.

Then I notice something else. The dark desk shoved against one wall is completely empty, except for one thing. There is a velvet box with a clear lid.

Through the glass cover, I can see my engagement ring sparkling.

"Is that hers?" I ask.

"It was. She wouldn't keep it. Couldn't stand to."

"Why?"

"I don't know. Why did she leave me?"

His eyes glow crystal in their pain. Does he honestly believe I left him? Is there something wrong with his memory?

Or perhaps with mine?

Am I insane?

I didn't leave him. I am certain of that. I could not have left him, because I can't live without him. This is fact. This is the truth.

I know that. That is one of the points from which I must build my researches, my discoveries. Maybe, he really believes I left him. But it isn't the truth. I know that.

I know that.

Why then do I have such a hard time believing it?

Then, suddenly, it's laughably obvious why this doubt is within me. Edward said I left him, so I believe him. I have always fallen for his lies. Time and again, he's said things untrue.

Maybe the most painful of all his words were also lies. I am trying to convince myself that.

A simple path appears, and I take it. I can find my answer in seconds. "You really loved her?"

His eyes glint angrily at me. I know I am overstepping a line, possibly causing him pain. "Yes. More than anyone else has ever loved. More than you can possibly know, I loved her."

It is the truth. I am fairly sure of that. "Why did you leave her?"

"What? She left me. I could never…" the words trail off. Perhaps he is reluctant to lie to me, or just doesn't want to contradict himself.

"You did, though, didn't you?"

"Yes. Who told you that?"

"Esme."

"I just wanted her to be safe. It was a mistake. I hurt her so much. But she ended up finding a way to be happy, and that was when I decided to return… can I do nothing right?" The last part of the statement is almost exclusively internally directed. He looks away from me, down at the floor.

"What way to be happy?"

"She made friends with a werewolf. Fell in love, too… even though she said she loved me more. Evidently, she changed her mind."

I hope this next statement doesn't reveal more knowledge of the subject than I should have. "Couldn't he imprint?"

Edward looks right at me, eyes speculative, searching. I cannot gaze into that fire, lest it burn all my deception away. He finally answers. "I suppose he could. But I can't stand to be near them."

It may be the truth. He promised, he promised me he'd wait! I never could have chosen anyone but him. Oh, Edward.

You promised.

I shake a little, trying to restrain the agony. Edward looks curiously at me. "Jacob?"

"I'm sorry. Sometimes it's a little hard. I had so much to live for."

"I'm sorry."

He seems genuinely sympathetic.

"Are you thirsty?" he asks.

"Yes, a little," It feels like my throat is made of sandpaper.

"Let me show you how we hunt. I'm not particularly thirsty, but I like to be well-fed when we start at a new school. You never know when someone smells particularly good. Of course, you won't know about that. But when you start school- I'd give it at least a decade- you need to be careful."

His eyes are distant. I am almost certain he is remembering a certain startling scent.

We run side by side into the night. It is crystal clear, a rare occurrence in any town the Cullens inhabit.

Each individual star is lovely, trickling tears of delight into the sky.

Little points of light bleed pale radiance into the perfect darkness of night.

Reason, as he put it in one memorable conversation. They are the reason. And again I have reason. I can think and know. I have reason to live.

Not bliss, but a functioning ability.

Once life was pleasure. Now it is painful… but in his presence, though unfulfilled by love, it exists.

My musings are interrupted. "Come on. We'll need to run. We're hunting several miles away."

The rush of speed is different on my own feet. It is agonizingly familiar, but I enjoy the way my feet fall on the ground. The contact reminds me I am real, though not whole.

Though I touch the forest floor myself, instead of being a helpless rider upon his back, it is achingly familiar- and oddly enjoyable.

I like the speed. It is invigorating. I feel very alive here.

I have a huge urge to say who I am. I want him to know. I want to tell him.

"We're here."

The forest is wide and full of lovely trees. It is quite beautiful. Everything in the area is serene, lovely, perfect… just like his face. He turns it to me, so peaceful. "Isn't it pretty?"

"Very beautiful."

He smiles, and my heart flutters in a way that would be silly even if I wasn't a vampire disguised as a boy talking to someone who has broken my heart not once, but twice, and quite spectacularly at that.

"Shall we?"

"Certainly."

We stand silently for several moments, waiting. Footfalls come then, the great padding sounds of large animals.

They make their way to us. It is a pair of wolves.

My breath, though not precisely needed, is suddenly painful to take in.

I have two very clear options. I can either reveal myself right here, right now, or do this indescribably painful thing.

It will remind me so much of him, of the second heartbreaker, I doubt it is even possible.

Yet I hold little hope Edward loves me. He may very well hate me for deceiving him, and I can't allow that to happen. I need time. I need to gather more evidence.

I can betray the lesser love, the one that betrayed me… or I can keep the hope for the greater passion, though it is a hideous lying one with but a slim chance of redemption.

Is there nothing in the world that can't hurt me?

Edward leaps first, grabbing the neck of the large male, a deep gray in color, with his delicate long fingers, and sinking those perfect teeth deep into it.

I remember how I once wanted to see him hunt. It is beautiful and powerful.

Then the animal falls drained to the floor.

It is my turn. I have a choice to make.

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	5. Chapter 5

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I leap.

The russet fur- Jacob- parts beneath my fingers. The large black eyes- Jacob- twist to implore me. I stick teeth deep in its neck.

The blood is not sweet. But it quenches the thirst. It is not pleasure, like human blood, but it is enough to stop the fire in my throat.

I do my utmost not to think of what I kill.

The animal howls- Jacob- and falls drained to the earth.

"I'm sorry," I whisper. I know Edward does not hear.

There is a moment of silence. "So, this is how we hunt. Perhaps it's not sinless, killing to live, but it is resoundingly the lesser of two evils," he says finally.

I nod my agreement. The pain, as always, is salved by his presence. I am not in agony. He is here.

Later, when he goes to his room and I to mine, it will be agony. I have just killed a creature that looks so much like Jacob. The one who helped me, healed me, loved me without asking anything in return… and finally left me. Because everyone does in the end.

What is it about me? That I should be so attracted to myths and legends, so resistant to love from one of my own kind, and that the most unattainable creatures should shower me with their beautiful love- for a little while.

But for me, the fairytale always ended.

I turn and run. I can't afford to think about this, not with a deception to further.

The house appears in instants.

"Wait," I whisper.

Edward spins and looks directly in my eyes.

This is it. The final step. I feel such an aching pressure. I have to say this. Right now, right here.

"Edward, I'm…"

There is a crashing sound. I break from the desired words, from the stuttered confession, and look straight up in the direction of the noise.

I see Edward's face follow the arc of my gaze.

What I see there is too strange for words, but I'll try…

It appears that Emmett has fallen out the window. He is waving his arms back and forth…

Chased by an irate Esme.

"What on earth!"

He echoes my thoughts perfectly.

"Run!" Emmett screams at us, and he sounds perfectly serious for a change. Edward and I share a glance and run back into the forest.

"What were you going to say?"

"Nevermind." This is definitely not the time.

Within seconds, Emmett, Esme, and the rest of the family reach the ground and take off running.

"What…" Edward begins.

Carlisle hisses back at him. "No time!"

We run faster.

The trees blur and disappear, each melding with the others. We're going as fast as our legs can carry us, which is saying something.

There is no conversation, and I am understandably quite confused. I haven't the faintest idea why we're fleeing from our home. I am also rather put out I didn't get the chance to proclaim my undying love to Edward.

Of course, it could be a sign- that we need more time. That actually seems more likely.

Although I'd still like to know where we're going and what's wrong.

However, there's something comforting in the fact that I am running with my family. I may not be myself, but at last I am one of them.

"What could be so terrifying an entire clan of eight vampires had to run from it?" I ask some miles later. We are now presumably in the mainland of Europe, and quite soggy after swimming across the sea.

We had neglected to bring clothes while fleeing for our lives. This was a necessity all of us were now regretting as we dripped on the sand, particles sticking to sodden bodies. Vampires don't clean off very easily, especially not those currently disguised as the opposite gender. It's a mercy I only have to shower rarely.

This place makes me wish I'd had time to go sightseeing as a human. It was lovely. D-day… the invading forces had successfully stormed the beaches of France.

France had very nice beaches. The sand shone pale white beneath the identical shade of moonlight, a yellow so buttery it is golden, almost colorless in luminescence. The sea laps against the shore, a dark blue that is the same fabric as the sky.

It is almost as lovely as my companions, panting beside me on the shore. My kind does not tire easily, but we did just sprint across a continent. They have formed protective little groups. Carlisle is rubbing Esme's shoulders. Jasper and Alice, as usual, are not actively touching, but they stand very close together. They are almost one person. Emmett and Rose, always the most demonstrative, are locked in a tight embrace. She is clearly shaking. It is the first time I have ever seen Rosalie shaken- except for that one night when she told me of her past…

Only the fourth couple is sundered. Edward and I stand awkwardly apart, several feet away, waiting for an answer. It is painful to realize that we could have been married, forever a pair as these others are, in each other's arms with just as much confidence, had he loved me.

No, I can't think like that. He may or may not love me.

Had he not _left _me.

Going off on painful tangents is merely distracting me from the long silence. Something is being kept from me. I am certain Edward already knows it. His power is much more passive than mine- he can merely stand around and absorb thoughts. Mine requires a little more effort.

"If you don't tell me, I'll just read your minds," I threaten, and Esme meets my eyes. She is imploring with motherly familiarity. She acts the way she treated Bella, not the way she relates to Jacob, the stranger in the family.

_Not now, _she thinks. I scan the thoughts of others, and all I hear is _Not now, not now, not now…_

No one will tell me.

"Will you tell me?" Edward asks.

"Absolutely not. Now, we need to speak with… Jacob. Privately."

I know then. They know about me, somehow.

I follow Carlisle from the shore where the others stand. We run a brief distance, just enough to be out of earshot. We are not from the range of thought-hearing, so he speaks aloud, his thoughts still a litany of nonsense.

His eyes dart around, and finally he bends his golden head to my ear, whispering next to silently, "Bella?"

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	6. Chapter 6

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I look to the sea and shore, to Edward's distant perfect figure, anywhere but at Carlisle. I have always been such a terrible liar. I am certain he will know the truth the instant I make eye contact.

Finally, I have no choice.

Will they ever forgive my deception? I can only pray they can. I cannot further it any longer. I don't have the strength or the lying ability.

"Yes."

The pain of the admission leaves me feeling oddly hollow. Not so much empty as filled with an unfamiliar insubstantiality. It's almost like being a balloon blown to popping.

Strange. I am stretched too far, for once. Maybe chasing Edward was a good idea. After all, at least there's a little variety in the pain.

He spins to look at me. "Bella, why did you leave Edward? I thought…"

They all believed him. How could they all believe him? I thought they knew me better than that.

If they believed him, will they be able to believe me? Can I convince them I'm not a traitor when I am so clearly a liar? How can I regain the trust of my family? Will they still want me, even in the far-fetched event he does?

"I didn't."

There's a moment, and then his eyes widen. There is no doubt there. I suppose he does know me just as well as he knows Edward… and he knows which of us is more likely to be able to live without the other.

"Oh. Oh, dear God, have mercy…"

His prayer is unanswered. This is another reason I doubt the existence of anything eternal. If He existed, wouldn't He have ended my life by now? Would this pain be possible?

But I am not one to question anything anyone believes. After all, I believe the most ridiculous of all things- that Edward loves me.

"Bella, I'm so sorry. That he could do that… twice… Bella, know this. He loves you."

"Does he?" My voice sounds pitiful even to myself with the frailty of the hope.

"There isn't time for me to ask what happened. This is not the place. I have to know, though, how you were changed."

A strange question, given the hundreds of others he could be asking in this odd circumstance. I wonder if it could give some clue to my desired answer.

"The Volturi. I couldn't wait… I need to tell him. I have to tell him."

"Of course."

"Wait… who are we running from?"

He avoids the question, neatly sidestepping the information he so clearly doesn't want to divulge.

Instead, he gestures toward the waiting vampires. I sigh, wistfully wishing I had a little more time. Just one more clue. Just one more day. I can't bring myself to trust even Carlisle's faith in the impossible.

And yet I had to. I recognize in myself that I will never have enough trust in my own desirability.

Plus, I have little choice. Carlisle's going to be thinking of nothing else, now.

Well, here goes nothing…

I walk towards him as slowly as possible, at a human pace, like I could still trip over the perfectly flat sand.

Stalling, obviously. My intention is ludicrously apparent, even to myself. I am trying to put this off. I do not want to have to admit I lied to him. I do not want to leave him. Even less do I want to risk him leaving me, because that is the one thing I will not survive. Once, twice, but a third time is impossible.

"Edward."

He turns to face me, and I feast my eyes for what may be the last time. He has every right to forbid me from his presence after this. I cannot expect as gentle a response as I received from his father, especially if the probability he doesn't love me is true.

Oh, I could look at him forever! He is perfection embodied. Although it is night, his skin is radiant, not sparkling, truly, but shimmering like the sand and moon. The soft gleam does not succeed in distracting me from the angular alignment of his features. Symmetrical, sized evenly, placed ideally, each one beautiful, forming an even more perfect whole.

Perfect.

It is the best word to describe him.

Perfect.

It is what I will never be.

Even the change has not granted me the one thing I hoped it would. I prayed the venom could do the impossible. I wanted it to make me worthy of him.

To be that, I would have to be beautiful, and pure, and loving, and intelligent, and unwavering, and… perfect.

And I cannot be.

Why, if I cannot have it, must I desire the impossible?

I want to kiss him. I remember the taste and sensation of those lovely marble lips, cool and smooth as glass, gentle and hard, sweet…

His hair, almost human, still exceptional.

And the eyes I will soon share, but his are so much more than mine will ever be. They express a deep soul, one so alive and beautiful. Beauty I know exists.

"Yes?" His voice completes the momentary heaven. It is rich, deep- no, endless. I could hear forever truth in the echoes of it, and echo it does, on and on over the water and into my heart.

I'm stalling again.

I may as well do this quickly, like ripping off a bandage. I spend a brief minute stalling, then go for the fastest approach. I take the wig Alice all but welded to my head and yank it off.

My hair tumbles free. I turn away for an instant, unlace the corset-like contraption underneath my shirt, and allow that too to fall to the soft ground. Another Alice invention. "Jacob" apparently had a particular taste in shirts- those loose enough to cover the tight binding over "his" chest.

I am making up distractions, stalling with my internal chattering sarcastic monologue. Basically, I'm wasting time. Because I don't want to say what needs to be said, what I can see he recognizes, what is the truest thing in the world and also the most painful.

"I'm Bella," I whisper, "and I love you."

"God!"

The single syllable is utterly unexpected. I admit I expected either an undying declaration of love or looks of bland disgust.

"Oh, God."

This time he only whispers. I cannot turn to him. I cannot ask him what he means. When he is ready, he will tell me.

Waiting again. It always comes back to waiting. I will believe whatever he says next.

I will always believe him. However, this is critical. My whole life, my possible death, hangs on this next word. Whatever he says will shape my life. This time, will he accept my love? This time, does he want me?

There are no clues in his eyes. They are flint, hard, cold, empty. I cannot determine whether they are a mask or a true reflection of darkened heart.

"Bella."

I listen to that perfect voice. This was the goodbye I wanted. His voice is golden on my name, and it breaks, full of pain, or perhaps passion. Something. When he thinks of me, he feels something.

"Edward?" I whisper. He doesn't look up.

"Oh, God." He sinks to the sand, kneeling. He clutches the grains although his life depends on keeping them close. They run through his long, delicate fingers, and he grabs more. He bends his head toward the sand, hiding his beauty from me… but I suppose it is acceptable After all, it is his choice, always, whether or not he wants me. I would never try to keep him unwillingly by my side.

"Oh, dear God. Forgive me. Bella, forgive me."

"There is nothing to forgive," I murmur, unsure if he's really addressing me. He is.

This provokes an almost-violent response. His hair is whipped back by the force of his head turning toward me. His eyes are full of fury. They glisten like his skin in the sunlight, lit by the force of his anger.

"Nothing? Nothing!"

"Nothing."

"Bella. Just look what I've done!"

"What?"

I honestly couldn't understand his guilt. Yes, he'd taken much from me. But he'd given so much more, and that was more than I could ever deserve. Even if he loved me for one day and tormented me for all eternity with his absence, I was gifted beyond imagining.

"I cannot keep my promises. I'm a liar. An oath-breaker. Not just a killer, now, so much worse. I promised you I'd never leave you… and I did. Oh, I'm so sorry."

I am mildly confused by this, though I cannot muster up any strong emotion- his fury at himself is far too engaging. He is so alive, and I am bound to that life in ways I cannot begin to explain. He is vibrant, and I for so long have been so empty.

"Don't be, Edward."

"Why? I'm unforgivable. I can't ask for your love."

That's it. The final piece of the puzzle. The words I want more than anything else. The beautiful hope, fragile still, but building some legs to stand on.

"Do you… love me?"

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	7. Chapter 7

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He turns to me, his eyes wide. "Oh, Bella… love, did you believe me? Did you ever believe I didn't? Bella, I love you. I always have, and I always will, and I hope you can still love me… but I don't expect it. I can't ask such an impossibility, after everything I've done to you."

My heart is beating again. No matter that it has stopped, this organ is no longer useless. Instead, it is alive, and vital. It is his.

I won't go so far as to say I believe him. More relief than belief. My hope is not shot down.

It is allowed to build, instead.

"Edward. Edward. Please, don't be lying."

His face is agonized. "Can you believe that of me? I suppose you have every right to, after all this. Love, I swear never to leave your side again…"

"Don't! Don't you dare make me a promise you'll only break."

He winces. "I guess I deserve that. But I swear to you, I am not lying."

"I didn't say you were lying. I just… I can't accept a promise." I have difficulty putting into words something I scarcely can understand in my own thoughts. "The reason… I suppose… I still don't trust myself. If I have your promise… you'll be stuck. If you don't want me, and you're trapped. I can't stand that. It's worse than anything. I can't stand to see you hurt."

Again, he turns away, from me to his thoughts. His mutterings are clearly decipherable to my vampire's ears. "You… you monster. You will never earn her love back. You monster."

I speak deliberately and slowly, as much to convince myself as him. "Edward, listen to me. You do not earn love. It is given to you. You can try to deserve it, but people love you in spite of what you do, not because of it."

"You love me?"

I roll my eyes. This is surprising, the recovery of my ability to make sarcastic motions, as I have been previously unable to do anything resembling levity. "I dressed up as a boy and followed you across a continent and a half. I should think I have some actual motivation for doing this. It seems an unlikely whim, to me. I mean, I've been wrong before…"

He laughs. I realize it is the first laugh of his I've heard since I came here. Perhaps my soul is not the only one drained by our parting.

"Oh, love. I have missed you."

I _hear_ my heart leap at the words. "And I you."

"Bella, I know these are just words. I know they don't mean anything. But I love you more than anything else in the world."

"You're wrong. They mean the most." _Now a hero is he, who only tells a lie, and swears by it…_

No. I cannot believe it is a lie. Maybe hope will destroy me, but despair will also do the trick.

"Edward, I know I shouldn't ask you this. I know it'll hurt you. But I have to know… why did you leave me?"

He looks away again, and I turn with his head. I can't stand not seeing him. That is how madly I love him, especially now. I shall allow the joy to set in later, when I'm not so busy. It will overwhelm.

I need to have my wits with me now. This conversation will have to be very careful if I want to prove his love without hurting him.

"I love you. You have to know that. I always did, and I always will. You are the most important thing in my world and always were. But… that night, in the tent…"

"I knew that was a bad idea," I grumble, and Edward laughs.

"Jacob asked me for a year, to see if he could fix you without me there. He also said he wanted only one thing from me in return for healing you. And I decided he was right. I was going to have to take your soul, very soon, and the idea terrified me. It was a decision partially out of fear. I was paralyzed to damn you. And he asked. I thought only I would be hurt. A negligible price. I was almost glad to pay it."

"You left because Jake told you to?" That seems ridiculous.

"You could put it that way… but why aren't you with him?"

"He imprinted. You weren't gone a month before he reappeared toting this gorgeous stranger." The memory twists my face in agony, before I remember I would not be here without first being left by Jake.

"Oh, Bella… love, I'm so sorry."

"Why are you sorry? I'm happy for him. Now he has something, something better… something like you and me." I blush-smile again, worried I am going to scare him somehow, and glad I am past embarrassing human responses.

"Indeed." Edward traces my face with a single finger, and though there is not so dramatic a physical response, my heart is far from unaffected. He smiles. I see there is still guilt there, but he will never let me see it again. Instead, it is his mask, a perfect one crafted of stone and love.

He bends that face to me, catches my lips with his. Our mouths press together. Unlike our last reunion, he is even gentler than he was with my fragile human self. He seems almost anxious.

I have no such qualms. If he wants me, really wants me, I see no reason not to give myself to him.

His arms lock around my waist as I press my body into his.

I feel his lips smile around mine. He pulls his head back a fraction and whispers, "I wish I could have said good-bye like this."

"Never say good-bye again," I reply, suddenly terrified.

He kisses me again.

My hands work their way into his hair without my conscious command. It is very soft beneath my fingers, like strands of silk. Again, he smiles.

This is where I belong, and if I don't trust him completely yet… that doesn't really matter.

"So, wedding's back on?" Alice interjects.

Edward and I share a meaningful look. I want to marry him. I've realized that. I want to know he will never love another. I want a guarantee with a ring and a certificate. My Edward, mine and no one else's. I want him to promise a promise that's sacred to him, that he won't be able to break, that he holds paramount. Something he wants to swear. He wanted me to marry me… I think he will still, I think he will ever leave once I want to wed him. It is another step towards believing.

"Alice, don't be ridiculous. I am totally unworthy of Bella's forgiveness, much less her hand in marriage. She shall forgive me when she feels ready. And I shan't ask for anything more, an instant before she's ready."

Alice pouts.

I turn to Edward. "I still want to marry you. Actually, I really want to marry you. More than I did before… there's nothing in my life but you. Not that there ever was."

He stares at me, ridiculously beautiful, disbelieving. "Really? Oh, Bella… I don't deserve you."

"You're so wrong."

Alice scoffs. "Okay, wedding back on. Once we defeat the evil vengeance-obsessed… oops, I'm not allowed to tell you that. But after we, erm, settle down again, I'll make you the perfect wedding! I love you! Bye!"

She dances off. "I'll have to buy a new dress… and talk to Esme, and…"

The energetic chattering trails off as she disappears, leaving us alone.

"Bella. Bella, Bella, Bella, I love you. You want to marry me? The most precious angel in the world, willingly giving herself for eternity to a demon who betrayed her time and again?"

"Could we cut the 'I'm so unworthy' crap? It gets sort of tedious."

"Your wish, my command."

I see the first shadow of his smile, the one that once belonged to me, ghost across his face. His light-heartedness is beautiful. After a while, it spreads, to the same smile he wore when he first proposed, wider than I can imagine, like angels in heaven. Glorious.

"I will get you the ring as soon as I can. Once they tell us what on earth is going on, I'll evaluate the situation, figure out how dangerous it is, and whether or not I can get the ring back."

"The ring doesn't matter, except… it was your mother's. I think that matters. That's the only thing that does. I don't care about diamonds. You're the only shining thing in my life, and I don't care what else sparkles as long as you're near me."

He smiles. It isn't the glorious smile, the angel in bliss smile, but it's a different kind of joy. The smile that used to be mine every day, crooked, gleaming even in total darkness, perfect and happy. Finally, I see the man who was mine.

I wish I knew he still was. The smile goes a little way towards proving that, though.

"You are fantastic, Bella. Unbelievable. I can't imagine any woman as unselfish as you."

I smile too.

Love, sweet love, never leave me again. Love, love, stay here forever… forever. I don't need anything more than that.

That's all.

He didn't look up, and I sigh. Nothing had gotten through to him, no matter how hard I tried to transmit my thoughts. Evidently I couldn't access Edward's mind anymore than he could mine.

"Bella?" Esme asked.

"Yeah?"

"Why did you dress up like a boy? Seems kind of excessive."

"Well… It wasn't my idea."

"Whose was it?"

"Alice's."

Alice spun indignantly and glared at me. "No it wasn't!"

Time for another admission. Another lie. Will this one be as easily forgiven? "Well, you wouldn't remember it. I can control thoughts. I lied about my power. So I told you who I was and then I took the memory away. So Edward couldn't read it."

"Why didn't you just tell us who you were?"

"Because I…" I thought Carlisle had told them this. "I didn't… I didn't know if you'd want me… if Edward… I…" I couldn't say it, not with him staring blankly right at me. It was impossible to admit how I'd believed his lies, not with those eyes poring into my soul.

"I have a confession to make, to all of you." Edward saves me. "Bella didn't leave me… I left her. I lied to all of you because I couldn't bear living without her if all of you hated me."

"Oh, Edward." This is Esme, who goes to her son, as little able to stand the guilt on his face as I am. "We will always love you, no matter what you do."

"I know… but you'd go back. You wouldn't let me leave her twice, and you'd have been right. Because I thought that if we left her alone, she could be happy, with Jacob, and because I couldn't, couldn't take her soul… I'm sorry."

There is a heavy silence. The first to react is Alice. She stands, looks at Edward, and hurls herself at him.

"Alice!" Jasper screams.

She is a tiny irate ball of fury. "How could you? How could you? Why didn't I see this? Edward, how could you?"

He doesn't react at all. Her fists are pummeling into him, and he doesn't so much as move. Not only does he not try to fend her off, which he could, since she's so small, he doesn't even try to move away. He just sits in the sand as she attacks.

We watch in stunned silence for a second. Finally, Jasper reacts. "Alice! Leave him alone."

"Jazz, he… he… he… I didn't even get to say good-bye… he…"

"I know, Alice, I know. But he's still your brother. It's called a mistake. Now leave him alone, please."

She does, but Edward still doesn't move.

My turn. "Edward? Please. Please, don't hate yourself. We all love you, and you know it."

"Why?"

"There isn't any why about loving someone. You just do."

Of course, he deserves so much more than I can give him. He is perfect in every way. There are a lot of reasons to love him… but even if he was the monster he thinks he is, he'd still be the only one for me.

The moon had set and the sun sparkled crystal in the pink sky before anyone spoke again. Finally, sitting in silence in his arms, I realize we must do something. "Edward, what's going on?"

"I don't know, love."

"Alice? Esme? Emmett? Please, someone tell me. I want to be with my family in our home after all this time." I am being slightly manipulative, playing off guilt just like that night in the tent. Of course, it isn't their fault. It isn't anyone's fault. But I know they'll succumb to my manipulation- vampires seem particularly susceptible to guilt trips.

It is Esme who breaks down first. "Carlisle, please tell her. Please."

And he can't say no to her… who does that remind us of? "Bella's right. It's hard to do, but it isn't fair to keep our family in the dark. And she's always been one of us."

These words are warming. I've always seen things that way, I just didn't know they did.

"The reason we fled our house is because, obviously, we were being chased. The reason we didn't tell either of you… is because it's someone we'd never expect. Our own closest friends, leading a vendetta against us? It's hurtful."

"Who is it?" I snap, unusually harsh because I'm sick of the stalling.

"You remember Laurent? And Irena. And Tanya…"

A horrible realization begins to dawn. "You mean the other vegetarians…"

"Yes."

"And that's why you didn't want to tell me," Edward interjects. "Because Tanya attacked because of me, and you didn't want to say it…"

"Yes."

"It wasn't just them, though," Emmett adds. "Jane was there, and Alec, on Marcus' orders… otherwise we could've taken them."

"Marcus was never pleased I almost got them to kill me… Aro wouldn't let him die when he lost his mate."

I grimace at the pain of that. The idea that Edward almost died, and because of me, no less… it is agonizing. Yet I would not want him to have to feel the pain I know I possess whenever he leaves. "And Irena must have really cared for Laurent if…"

Carlisle nods. "They were our closest friends, almost family. I never considered it. Not so dear Alice watched, but definitely never a threat. I can still hardly believe it. I suppose I should have noticed a change in our relationship when they risked our lives for Irena's vengeance back in June, but…"

"It was painful to consider. And I suppose I understand. They're a family, just as we are. If two of us had lost our spouses because of them, I wouldn't be surprised if we did the same."

"I never told Tanya…" Edward protests. His words trail off as he realizes what he said didn't matter. How she perceives him is what motivated this attack. "Will we ever be able to go back?"

"Of course," I say. "I can sneak us in, make them forget they ever wanted to hurt any of us."

"Bella, you don't need to…"

"I'm part of this family now, remember?"

They smile. Despite the fact I've never met the Denali clan, I know how my family sees them… yet the most important thing is that we are together and, probably, safe.

I alone return to England. I am somewhat unhappy to have to leave them, but I know they will not leave. Even if Edward wanted to take this opportunity to rid himself of me, Alice wouldn't do that. Right?

No, I am fairly confident they will wait for my signal.

I've been given a cell phone to contact them when I clear the house. Edward struggled valiantly. "I'm not letting her go in there alone! Damn it! Damn them all! I can't do this! She isn't going to die."

His protests broke my heart- and healed it. It is comforting to know he cares, literally, whether I live or die, even if I cannot trust it and his pain is as always mine.

"Edward, no one is going to get killed. I'll be fine. I promise."

"How can you know?"

More manipulation had transpired then. I had to make my family safe. And I couldn't know. I couldn't know my new powers would be enough, that I could fight off all these vampires… yet I also could scarcely let my family be killed what was basically because of me. "Have _I _ever broken a promise to the one I love?" Just the slightest emphasis… not too much pain.

It hurt him. But it worked. He had let me go, with many half-teasing threats and the final promise, "Bella, if you don't come back, _I will kill myself._ "

It was the only thing that could make me so desperate to succeed. My life is worthless, but if his, infinitely precious, depends on mine continuing, I will fight until the end of time to live for him.

I sneak toward the house. The forest is thick and dark, even though it is the morning. All the light is blocked.

It is quite the metaphor, I realize. This is the life I wanted. My dawn has broken. I have everything I wanted. My one true love hasn't yet married me, but we're engaged… and we are together. I don't have to fight him to change me any longer. I will live forever. Should he leave, as he very well might, I can simply chase him- it worked just fine last time.

Everything is bright. Everything is full of hope and probabilities. I am going to spend eternity with Edward, it would seem. Why then can't I believe it?

Because once before- no, twice- I had this lovely life lined up. Everything shone beautiful and bright and perfect. Both times, he left, and plunged me into nothingness. That darkness is the forest, shading the light that looms. I cannot trust that my life can be perfect, not when it has betrayed me. Not when I cannot deserve him, not now and not ever.

Third time's the charm.

Maybe this time he won't leave.

Can I bring myself to believe it?

I run faster toward the yellow house.

I will do this. I will, I will, I will. I will escape from this endless forest of doubt. I will conquer these enemies, I will defeat my own demons, I will be with the one I love.

I will.

Won't I?

I sneak into my own home through the window. The irony does not escape me. It is rather akin to the way I regained my life. However, I have more important things to think about. Edward's life is in my hands… and I have to protect it at any cost. It would not even be a choice, should I have to choose between the rest of my family and him. That is something we all know, that the bonds of love overcome all else. It is why we can contain our thirst.

Because nothing can compare to our love. It is the most powerful thing in the universe. We all know this. It is why I will single-handedly fight all these older, stronger vampires. Strange, how my old fears of losing my reason after the change turned so thoroughly unrequited. There is nothing I can prevent… I have my bloodlust, true. It is unmanageable around humans, but I have so many more important things to worry about.

Like the fact that Tanya and Irena are nearly a thousand years old. Jane's power doesn't work on me, and I'm still not entirely sure what the extent of Alec's is. Irena and Tanya don't have powers, and my own is quite formidable. However, they are all so much older, and Carmen, Eleazer, and Kate may be there… a clan sticks together.

But I have more to fight for. I have Edward.

It will be enough.

I am in his room. The very first thing I do is grab the ring. I place it gently on my finger, knowing he'd rather put it there themselves, hoping he will repeat his proposal when I return. If I return… no, I have to.

For Edward. I have Edward.

To give myself courage, befor ethe fight, I approach his bed, the one that should have been mine too, and press my nose to the sheets. This room may have held nothing but pain for him, yet it will comfort me. He was there. I can smell him. Though my senses are so much stronger, it is absolutely perfect. The change hasn't changed how he affects me.

The lingering scent is so sweet.

I wonder if I retain my smell. Maybe not. I'll have to ask him… when I get back. Which I will, because he wants me to. Sheer willpower will carry the day here.

I prepare myself to go downstairs and leave the comfort of this room. Yet, although my family is far away, I do not face the fight alone. Edward is here. Not in body, but in the fervor of my love. And maybe he doesn't return it. I can never be sure again of the impossible, that he wants me forever.

But I know he said he did. So I will be able to fight for him, even if he is an unwilling champion.

The stairs confront me. I take the first step when I hear a voice. It is utterly unexpected.

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	8. Chapter 8

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It can't possibly be. This isn't possible. It is utterly impossible.

"Listen to me, you damn leeches. Bella is not with Edward. He doesn't love her. He never did. Bella and I are married. Would you like to see my ring?"

Jake's voice is soft, warm, and ridiculous. He can't believe this. It is as ludicrous as the suggestion I left Edward.

"This isn't the issue, dog. We're here for revenge."

"What do you need revenge for?"

"Our dead mates and hopes, respectively. If you are willing to sacrifice yourself and your pack for Bella, then Irena will simply deal with you… though Edward will still have me to contend with. Are you willing to make that sacrifice?"

I don't even understand the conversation, so I listen. Is Jacob trying to convince them I am no longer a threat to Tanya? How'd he get here? What about Aliene?

I don't get it.

"No. No… I love her… but I can't. I just beg you. Have a little decency. Good-bye."

I hear Jacob's heavy footfalls. The door creaks open and falls closed.

The vampires bicker, loud enough for only my hearing.

Tanya's voice is attractive. "He has a point."

Jane's is even more sparkling. "He's a _dog._"

"But they're practically family. Look, Irena, if you want to keep going with this, I'll back you up. If Bella's with the dogs now, I don't see any reason to keep fighting for myself… for Edward. I guess I should find a better way to deal with rejection."

"Tanya…"

"No, Kate. She's right. It's time for us to grow up," says a male voice that is not Alec's. I assume it is Carmen's mate, Eleazer.

"We can't be punishing a man for having too much self-control to be tempted. We can't kill our closest friends because I've got hurt feelings. You're right."

It seems my powers shan't be needed at all. That is pleasing. I hope nothing more goes wrong. Of course, it does. That is just the way life works, isn't it. Is there no such thing as rest for the weary? I grimace at the next words.

Jane speaks cruelly, harshly. "The rest of the world already thinks you're fools! Will you let these Cullens taunt you like this? Do you cherish yourselves and your mates so little you'll let them die unpunished?"

"She has a point. Sisters, I've been with many men, but Laurent is the only one I've ever been meant to be with. It was even stronger than what I feel for you, my own dear family. Please, let me revenge my love."

"All right. We're back on."

There are murmurs of agreement.

"That mutt-loving secret-telling Edward first?" Alec proposes coolly.

And it is too much. I can't sit here. This can't happen. I can't let it slip away. I can't watch Jake walk away, having risked his life for me, probably out of guilt. I can't let Edward be hurt. Before I can protest, a syllable escapes.

"NO!"

I can't contain the cry. And I can't let them threaten him. Me, of course. I am nothing. But his life is precious. It must be maintained at all and any costs.

I will allow my own death, but I must save his life.

Nothing matters more. I charge down the stairs before anyone can come up to discover the source of my yell. I will from now on, even if now on is only a few more minutes, live life on my own terms. I am through with waiting.

"Hello."

The seven gorgeous faces turn to me. I see Tanya for the first time, and sob silently… she is so beautiful. She deserves him much more than I ever can. Her golden hair shines subtly reddish, glinting perfectly, showing mirrored features of ideal symmetry and straightness. She looks like a diagram out of a geometry textbook, all straight lines and perfect reflections.

Jane and Alec are sitting side by side. All vampires, I think, are meant to focus their existence on someone. Edward was so lonely for so long because he lived only for Carlisle, when Carlisle had Esme. Before her, Carlisle lived for God. Now, each of my family members lives for their spouse. Alec and Jane, though gifted formidably and living darkly, are little more than children for all their thousand years. Jane, at least, worships Aro like a distant, charming father… but the core of their existence is each other. Their identical faces so close together is almost too much beauty to bear. This is what angels look like… two twin cherubs smiling in demonic hate, an emotion one can scarcely notice beyond their perfect faces.

Carmen is dark-haired, her skin sallow beneath the vampire pale. She holds hands with a black-haired male of similar coloring and exceptionally large nose. In a human, it would be most unattractive. However, the protruding feature is so perfectly framed it merely adds to the distinction of his features. They are truly a perfect couple… similar enough in appearance that they're cute together, unlike enough they don't seem siblings.

I don't know which is Irena and which is Kate, though I'd guess from the hate open in the shorter woman's eyes that Irena is the one with white-blonde hair. She has plucked eyebrows, a tiny nose, and a grimace that would put The Grinch to shame. Her companion is possessed of at least six feet and three more of swinging black hair, draping down a perfectly angled back.

Four red eyes, ten gold, and none of them friendly. I sigh and draw in a thick breath.

"I'm Bella. As you may have guessed, I didn't marry Jake. Actually, I'm engaged to Edward. I'm a vampire, obviously. And I'd really love it if none of you killed my family."

I reinforce these words in their minds, each of which becomes blank and supple under my touch. _No hate. You don't hate us. None of this ever happened._

A moment passes. I hope and pray it has been enough.

It hasn't.

Jane is the first to leap.

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	9. Chapter 9

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Instantly, the others take her cue. What a mercurial crowd. One instant the are about to drop the threat and beg forgiveness, the next they're attempting murder.

Interesting. Should I survive, I'd like to talk to Carlisle and ask when they became so easily swayed. Jane isn't even one of them, and here they are accepting her choice as reason enough to kill me.

The bodies swarm over me. I am pressed into the floor, the crushing weight of seven vampires squirming and ripping. Only Jane and Alec, closest to me, have successfully landed blows. They are also Volturi, trained to this. They know what they're doing…

Alec, I believe, is the one who tears off my arm. I summon all my strength, still increased from the changed and fueled by Edward and how I love him, and push up and off…

Praying it will be enough.

The vampires roll off me. I grab my arm in furious haste and pull it along my body. I can feel the healing begin instantly. However, it will not be useful in this fight… a fight I know now will happen. I will lose. My power, for whatever reason, just isn't enough. I don't know enough, can't do enough.

You're not enough, Bella.

And that agonizing thought is energizing. If I do this, if I can single-handedly destroy seven furious vampires with only my own brute strength, maybe I can convince myself I am enough, maybe he will never leave again. It is too much to hope for. However, if it does… I can win. I can do anything for Edward. This single action is truly nothing.

If I die, what of it? He won't kill himself. He wouldn't. He loves Esme too much. Esme couldn't lose another child. He wouldn't do that to her. My love is far too good. And he promised her. He may break promises to me, but never to his own family. So I will die here, and they will have but a few stragglers of this amassed army to fend off.

They will live. I will never be in danger of the agony alone again. I will die and so there will be no more pain. I will die, and in dying deserve him.

It is a deal I make with myself. It is something that, like so many other resolutions, so many other decided views, is broken the instant it's made, and also endures forever.

"I love you, Edward," I whisper. I know they can hear me. In addition to buying a few precious seconds for my arm to heal, it is aiding my soul. I need to know I can be with him. Somehow, someday, not on earth but perhaps after it, I can see him. If as a spirit I'll never hold him, at least I'll know he is alive. "Edward, I will always, always love you. If I die here, forgive me…"

There is a moment of curious staring. The other vampires eye me speculatively, red and gold darting from my face to each others'

"Can we do this?" Tanya asks. She spreads her hands speculatively, turning to face her sisters. "Can we kill her?"

"Yes… we can." Jane's bloodthirsty smile is beautiful, but her teeth are bared, showing an utterly empty heart and a clear threat to any who stands in her way.

"I didn't mean to offend, Jane. I don't want to irritate the Volturi, as you know… but I really don't think we should."

"Why not? This girl is a pretender. A newborn. She is trying to defeat us… all of us! Can you call yourselves vampires when you're not only defeated, but mocked, by a mere human?"

"I'm not mocking anyone."

"By virtue of saying that you are! If you do not die here you are! The Volturi are unstoppable. If you want to turn against me, fine. My power is useless against the pet human, but I can turn it against _you…_ you will suffer, and you will know the wrath of the Volturi!"

Jane is clearly overcome with insanity, but I don't think I'd mess with her in this state if I were them either.

"I'm not going to give up. I'll fight you until I'm dead, because I have to live so I can deserve Edward. I'll lose, but I'll fight…"

It's the last thing I'll ever say, I know that. I have this one fight ahead of me before my life ends after all. And I can't bring myself to regret it. Yes, it's not the peaceful death I once faced off the cliffs of La Push… but it's something worth struggling for. And I got to hold him one last time. I die today, but they take nothing from me, only a few fleeting hours of happiness and an eternity of agony when he leaves again.

I have no pleasure ahead, and so this causes no pain.

The moment of silence, of contemplation is over. Here, in Esme's living room, Jane leaps at me, once again the first to attack, and it begins. The others look on curiously, waiting for a signal.

The fools… even I know better than to let tiny Jane face a newborn alone. She isn't as adept or agile as Alice. Always before she's had her power to save her, and now it is just her against me, as the others look on.

It is over in seconds.

I try not to think of her, cruel, but at least alive, while I kill her. She's sentient. She thinks and knows. She may be evil, but she's no more than a child… and I know her. A person. I can't stand having to do this, to literally tear her into pieces and set them in a neat pile for later disintegration.

I have just finished tearing up Jane when Alec screams. It is a blood-curdling, horrifying scream, and it makes my soul turn. Will I ever be forgiven for the pain I've caused?

I know it is a mercy as I charge to him, my arms wrapping around his neck with an unstoppable force… it is a simple matter to disconnect his skull, and from there to drop him into pieces. He falls on the floor beside the remnants of his sister.

The other vampires watch.

"Well," I quip, "either attack me or get me a lighter. I gotta get rid of these bodies."

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	10. Chapter 10

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Tanya laughs in the instant before she lurches in front of me… not aggressively, but protectively.

"Sisters, Eleazer, I move we do not kill Bella Swan. She hasn't done any harm."

"She killed Laurent!"

"Irena." Tanya shakes her head, eyes wise and full of sorrow. "She didn't kill Laurent. Laurent tried to murder her. Some friends of hers protected her by killing him. She wasn't even there."

Katrina and Carmen seem to be agreeing. Irena looks desperately at each and every one of them.

Then she screams. It is a blood-curdling, blood-thirsty, hopeless desperate sound, so wide and deep with misery I can feel it shake the fault line in my heart as it rattles the dishes and breaks the mirrors for miles around.

A slight exaggeration.

But I can feel the howl in my heart, and it kills me to know that because of me, someone suffers as I have.

Finally, she quiets, not to silence but to sobs. Deep, wrenching sobs… it is pure emotion being played out before me. It is all the pain I suffered but would not express. It is agony, pure and simple. I know the feeling, and I can sense distantly my arms winding around my torso to hold myself together.

"Oh, Kate! I loved him… I loved him… of all the men, all the hundreds of them… him… he was the one I should have been with… forever… I loved him… and he was a monster…"

I interrupt. "No, that's not true. He wanted to be good… but we've all been tempted. He wanted to stay off human blood. And he loved you. I could see it when he talked about you… just before he died. Don't hate the person you love. It'll destroy you. Trust me…"

"Of course. I know a lot about Edward and trying not to hate him. Bella's right, Irena. You can't hate someone, anyone. Sometimes two people are compatible, but in a relationship there's also circumstance, and that can go horribly wrong."

I nod. It's very true. "And two people… sometimes you love someone who loves you. Sometimes someone loves you but you don't love them, or vice versa. Sometimes someone loves you, and you love them, but they hate themselves…"

"Which creates gigantic problems."

Tanya and I share a distinctive look. It is named "Edward". I have a theory he would have settled for loving her, with less than the cataclysmic love we share, just to make Esme and Carlisle and herself happy… if it weren't for, first, his obsession with virtue, and second, his ridiculously low self-esteem.

I love Edward. But I think he could use therapy.

Tanya and I may be polar opposites, but anyone who spends enough time with Edward eventually has something in common…

"Irena, look. This isn't about our problems. Yes, the man you loved is dead. Yes, you miss him. Yes, you probably want to kill me… but he wasn't the one you were meant to be with. I know… Carmen and Eleazer, Carlisle and Esme, Jasper and Alice, Rosalie and Emmett… the kind of love… I know you loved each other… but there's something more, I think. I hope. Love that's enough to make forever worthwhile. I can't make you stop hating me, or stop your pain…"

She smiles half-heartedly. "I'll get out of your house now."

"We should stay. Ask forgiveness…"

"You're right."

I look at them. "All right. I'll call Carlisle."

"BELLA!" It is Edward, not Carlisle, who answers. I don't think I'd ever heard him… scream… before. And that is the only thing this can be described as. "Bella, Bella, my love, you're all right! Alice kept seeing… such things, Bella. Bella, Bella, I love you. Oh, Bella."

"I did it, Edward," I whisper into the phone. _Be proud of me. Say it's enough. Be impressed… say I'm enough…_

"Your power is impressive. What did you convince them?"

"My… power… it didn't work." It is agony to admit to him I've failed. "But I found another way."

"You _fought _them! Bella! Bella, how could you? How did you kill seven vampires single-handedly?"

"Not single-handedly, and not seven. I had someone with me… you. I could do it because I knew you loved me." The eavesdropping crowd made gagging noises here, but I could sense Edward's smile through the telephone. "And I only had to kill two of them. Alec and Jane. The Denali clan gave up, and they'd like forgiveness. Come to the house."

"This isn't some kind of trap?"

"No. I swear."

"I'm on my way. Shall I bring the others?"

"It's safe to come home." Home, with my family and my love. Home, forever and ever, where I would never have to fight or suffer again. It sounded beautiful.

"Excellent. I shall see you soon, my love… but not soon enough."

"I've missed you."

"I, also. Soon, but not soon enough. Good-bye."

"Good-bye."

The simple finale to an ordinary conversation was inexplicably painful. I would never recover. Once, I had been able to put aside the forgotten pain, forgive completely the emptiness. Twice… I wasn't so sure. And if he left me again, I would perish. I could not survive it again.

I thought he'd known that from the start, but maybe I needed to make it clearer.

I sigh. I don't want to have any more unpleasant conversations today, especially not with the man I love. And it is convenient, never sleeping, but I can also sometimes find myself wishing I had the time to clear my head, to not think or feel but simply… be. To release into dreams and darkness…

Stop waxing poetic, Bella. You sound ridiculous.

And now you are talking to yourself.

Of course, I know exactly the cause of my mini breakdown. I miss him, and I want him, and I love him, and for God's sake here I am again stuck waiting for him to come for me! I thought we'd decided this would never happen again. I know the situations aren't comparable, but still… I feel a connection.

I sigh and flop on the couch. The other vampires chatter amongst themselves, leaving me feeling antisocial, excluded, and very alone.

Charming. Not the best combination.

I wonder if Jake's okay. I want to chase him… I do love him in so many real ways, but I can't be his. Nor can he be mine. We both have something better than true love… I just have to let go and let him love her like I love Edward.

We can be happy now.

I wish him all the best. Run fast home, swift and safe, and find your true love waiting for you with open arms… and may the debt I owe you never have reason for repayment… may your need never be so great.

Edward's face is the first and last thing I shall ever see. His eyes bore into my soul, and his lips whisper my name. "Bella…"

I throw my arms around his neck. "Edward. I'm alive."

I can feel the smile on his lips as I taste them. "I've noticed…"

_ Promise me you'll never leave me again._

He does. Even though my power is useless against his impenetrable mind, even though our love somehow forms a barrier, I can sense him make that promise, his lips swearing it against mine… forever, forever…

Although I can't ask him for it, I know he would assure me, and that is almost as good as actually hearing the words.

Finally, Esme and Emmett run up, followed by the others. This forces Edward and I to part. His family's interference works just as well as my old need to breathe once did. I am slightly embarrassed by just how much I want to hold onto him despite their appearance. I sigh at the need for us to part.

This isn't the most horrid of our partings, despite the acute physical need that increases. However, there are more important matters to be attended to now. We have to ascertain it will be safe to stay here keeping my love beside me forever. The only thing that matters is our safety, our unity. I don't care about anything else. If I'm with him, I'm happy.

I guide them through the door, and one by one the faces of my family follow me while they walk past me, their eyes on mine, heads lowering in something like a bow. The beautiful faces of the people I love respect me as they file past. It is a brilliant feeling, like I've finally done something commendable, like I am the equal of my family at long last. I smile at them.

"Come on in. There's some people waiting for us."

"I don't see why we should go talk to those traitors," Emmett grumbles.

"Cut them a break. They feel really bad…" Esme cautions. Always the sympathetic one, my mother.

Rosalie's thoughts were unbecoming. They featured mainly on the vanity, that she was more fair than these most famed seductresses. I almost found myself loathing her until I found a route cause for her nastiness… when they'd first met, Kate had taken it upon herself to seduce Emmett. She hadn't succeeded, but Rosalie was afraid.

Jasper is planning battles in his head. He wants to figure out how a lone newborn defeated such aged vampires as Jane and Alec. I explain, mentally, how they came at me one by one and Alec was too busy grieving to use his powers.

He nods.

Carlisle is planning how to mend the relationship. "All this time," he says, aloud for everyone's benefit, "I've wanted to turn others to our way of life. And now I find our only allies easily slip back into killing."

"Not so easily." I relay the idea of Irena's grief and Tanya's furious rejection. He still doesn't sympathize, so I add the words, _If someone mocked your friend and killed Esme, what would you do?_

It is cruel, but I've already committed two murders today. A clean conscience isn't precisely on the docket.

Carlisle gasps, and then passes the thought, _Oh._ That is all it takes.

I lead the way into the living room where the others await.

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	11. Chapter 11

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"I am so sorry, Carlisle, Esme. Please, forgive us…"

Carlisle stands stiffly. He may speak his mind to me, but I don't think he would do so to these former friends.

Emmett is not so inhibited. "What the _hell_? How could you? I thought you were our friends…" He moves somewhat menacingly towards Carmen, the nearest of them, currently sitting on the couch he stands by.

Eleazer growls at him, but Emmett doesn't retreat. This is getting very dangerous. They both look about to attack.

"Stop it!" I holler. "Don't fight, for God's sake!"

Carmen strokes Eleazer's arm as Rosalie calms Emmett, and soon the two are somewhat less confrontational. I am relieved. I really have had enough battles for a single day.

"I'm sorry. Really, truly, sorry… a combination of hurt and fear and revenge… it was unstoppable. It took us over just as the thirst did. I'm so sorry."

I can see the scene replaying in all five minds, that heady mixture of lust for revenge and love and safety mingling. Jane is a terrifying creature. To those of us who have known the greatest physical pain- the change- the idea of something surpassing it as her power supposedly can is absolutely horrific.

And then, where Jane is, the Volturi follow. If they did not comply with the plan to kill us, they themselves would die… painfully.

Mixing with that was the unity the women of Denali felt. They were as much one as separate entities… truly sisters. A single soul split between four bodies, it seemed. I could see it in their minds, that if one suffered they all did.

I could relate to that.

I pass these emotions and musings to the other minds, sharing from one to the other what had happened, the reasons behind their betrayal. I see nods and slight smiles acknowledging my actions. I also hear ruminations, my family members considering what they've seen.

Edward proposes something. "I have a suggestion. How about a truce? Everything just returns to the way it is? It'll be safer than usual, since we're usually pretty close together. We'll stay here, and you'll return to Denali."

I am surprised he has found it within himself to forgive them… in a good way. I would say I am proud of him, if he were mine to feel such emotions for.

The vampires nod. "That works for us… I'm sorry."

Carlisle nods. "So, are we agreed?"

"Yes."

"If you'd excuse us… I think it's best we go home and figure out how to ascertain this never happens again."

Again, Carlisle's head bobs. The other clan takes this as it is meant… a dismissal. They understand that, though forgiven, they are far from our good graces. With a final look around at us, they stand as one, lifting themselves elegantly and swiftly. They lunge to the door.

In seconds, they are gone. The door rattles with the speed of their departure, the room swirling with wind from the sheer speed. Finally, I am alone with my family in our home, a thing delayed much from my original intent. Our life is going to start now.

And I don't know where to begin.

Fortunately, I don't have to. Someone else takes the lead. In fact, there is only a second of quiet relief before I am enveloped in muscular arms.

"You rock!"

I laugh into his shoulder. "Thanks, Emmett."

My brother picks me up and swings me around.

"Oh, I owe you an arm-wrestle," I recall.

Emmett spins to Edward, sticking his tongue out. "But I hate losing! Stupid newborns."

I cackle. "Didn't you think I rocked like four seconds ago?"

"People can change."

We all laugh, a tumultuous roar of gaiety and relief. We could have died. To people totally in love, death is unacceptable. It could hurt the one you love.

That's the way I see the world, anyway. I must never hurt Edward, and thus I must safeguard myself so long as he says he loves me. Even if it isn't true.

I can't think that way, though. Not here and now, not with so much newly restored affection, not in this beautiful moment. Doubts have their all-consuming heart-rending place, but this is not it. This is a place to find shelter from the fear and pain, to pretend everything will ever be always okay again.

Esme is the second person to rush to me with an embrace. Her skin no longer feels freezing. It is just the warmth of human contact I feel when I touch her, though neither of us are. "Bella, my dear daughter, I am so proud of you."

"Thank you, Esme." I grin against her touch.

Carlisle and Jasper aren't quite so forthright with their affection. However, I can feel Jasper's praise radiate through the room, his exceptional power expressing perfectly the emotion of the moment.

Carlisle smiles widely. "Well, I think no one else had quite so stormy a welcome to our family as you, Bella. But you're really one of us now. Welcome to the family."

I laugh. "Thank you."

Rosalie looks at me. It is unfamiliar to have her eyes truly meet mine, to see what she thinks. She doesn't say it aloud, but I hear clearly, _I'm sorry I've been so abhorrent, Bella. I still think you made the wrong decision, but it isn't reversible. Friends?_

_ Sisters._

She smiles widely at my response. It is one step further toward healing our often troubled relationship, and I don't want to spend the rest of eternity in a house with someone who loathes me. The better Rosalie and I get along, the happier I'll be.

There is, to put it in theatrical terms, a beat. The silence lasts all of a second until it is broken by a light noise.

Edward's voice is music. Not just to my ears… it isn't just perfect for me, it is truly the most ideal sound in the universe. "So, what now? How shall we fill up the rest of eternity?"

We look around at each other, unsure. Finally, someone comes up with a suggestion.

"I know where to start."

"How?"

Alice giggles. "Bella, let's get you out of drag."

Shopping. Why, dear God, why? Why me? Of all the horrors I've suffered, I do think this takes the cake. Alice practically throws me into the Porsche.

"All right. London! Great city. Nice shopping. Good restaurants. Be better if we could eat. I'm so excited!"

"Alice… it's not… I'm a newborn. You can't just take me into a city full of people. I could _kill _someone." I'm trying to impress upon her that this isn't a price we can pay for her fun. That her ideas of what's enjoyable aren't worth the cost that very well might have to be paid.

"Oh, right." She frowns. "Well, you can wait outside town. I'll just buy the clothes and take them to the car for you to try on. And your eyes are red. Hmm, that could be interesting. I think white would look great with that, or maybe grey with your skin tone."

I kick her chair. "You're being silly."

"What, how many times in my life am I going to get the chance to figure out what complements the appearance of a newborn vampire?"

"No one but the family's going to see me anyway. Why does it matter?"

"Edward."

The one word is totally impossible to argue with. I sigh. I wish I could argue with her, ever, at all. She's so mean, toying with my emotions this shameless way. She knows my buttons so well. "All right. So the plan is, you go into town, pick out stuff, buy it, bring it back here, force me to try it on, and then return anything you don't like."

"Yep."

I shake my head and sigh. "Alice, Alice, Alice. However did I do without you all this time?"

"I'm sure your wardrobe is very glad I'm back. And I notice 'Jacob' had excellent taste, thanks to me. Just like Jazz…"

"You dress him?"

"And Edward."

I laugh aloud. "Remind me to humiliate him with that someday."

"All right. Though your memory is now happily without those inconvenient human holes."

Those are her final words. She bounds from the car, disappearing into the city. I sit alone, bored already almost beyond belief. Fortunately, the car still possesses its keys, and I am able to turn on the radio.

Mindless music, not the sort I usually enjoy, is zipping through the air. It fills my ears. I am careful not to listen to the lyrics. I may have Edward, but I am never far from the pain. So to safeguard myself, I merely bop to the beat and wait.

I guess I can never outrun waiting. Maybe it's simply an accursed part of my life I must always be left behind, even in so tedious a venture.

My new vampiric existence certainly hasn't prevented it as I'd hoped. Chasing the Volturi turned out fruitless. The whole goal of my transformation was to go to him, not the other way around.

I can scarcely stand the wait. I want to be back with Edward. I want him to promise he loves me one more time.

I want to marry him.

I am ready for my dream to come to life.

Fortunately, Alice gives up on the shopping venture by midnight. I am once again decidedly female in appearance. It may or may not be a relief- there was far less risk of being forced into heels in male costume, though when Alice is in question, no one is safe from those deathtraps.

I grumble at her the entire way home… a ride much shorter than I find at all reasonable. Evidently, the change has not instilled in me the same disregard for traffic regulations it did in the others. I am glad to maintain my identity, but Alice has no sympathy for my weakness. "Oh, Bella. Shut up. You'll see Edward sooner this way."

"Have you no shame?"

"None. Now, if you have to throw up, don't do it on your new clothes."

"Vampire."

"Right… I'm so used to pandering to your human weaknesses. Maybe that's just me being silly."

I smack her. Not hard, since I'm being careful with my newfound strength. She laughs.

"And remind me to kill Edward sometime soon. Bella, in all seriousness… I'm so sorry. I should have seen it, I don't know how I didn't. I should have done anything. Something."

"It's not your fault. He probably was really careful, playing off the holes in your vision…" Of course, I didn't blame him, either. I was never one to hold him hostage at my side. But Alice had no reason for guilt. She had never wanted to abandon me.

"Thanks, Bella. I'm never letting him be an idiot like that again. You know he loves you, right?"

My answering grunt of assent was unconvincing. How can a grunt be unconvincing? The whole reason I didn't use my words was out of fear that my voice would break into an indeterminate mumble, or worse, that I would break down into sobs.

"You don't sound very confidant."

"How can I be? Alice, I'm nothing compared to him. I can't be good enough, no matter how much I want to, and he'll always leave me… always, because he can't love me as much as I love him."

I am, in fact, breaking down. Fantastic.

Alice sighs and places a hand on my shoulder. "Bella, I know how you feel. Being afraid is part of being in love. When I met Jasper, I was so afraid that I didn't know how to be normal for him, to compare to Maria, who'd taught him our ways. I was utterly dependant on him, practically a savage. And I asked so much of him, so soon. On top of it all, I still don't feel like I deserve him. I think it's just part of life. When you love someone that much, nothing can ever be enough for them."

"Honestly, though, you're insecure? _You?_ But you're… so beautiful."

Alice laughs. "Bella, have you looked in a mirror recently?"

"I was dressed as a guy."

"Good point. But honestly, before that?"

"Yeah." And I didn't compare to any of the Cullen women. My appearance would never be exceptional.

"You need to see yourself more clearly… and I am insulted. I find my work on your looks most satisfactory. I think someone else will agree with me."

Speak of the devil…

His smile is blindingly wide as he swings the door open, his arms surrounding me immediately. I drown in the comfort of his touch. It is like being submerged in a rock.

"Oh, Edward! I missed you."

"And I you." I think we both know we're not talking about the shopping trip.

His hands move in a blur over my skin, and traces down the sleeve of my shirt. As it reaches my finger, he pauses.

I feel a slight tug. Before I can register what has happened, he is kneeling before me, the ring I'd restored to my finger in his hand, glittering like his skin in the fire of sunlight.

I feel the empty useless heart in my chest flap around, sploshing a bit in the blood that is not my own.

"Bella. Isabella Marie Swan, my love, my angel, the only brightness in my dark existence. I do not deserve this forgiveness. I do not deserve you. Yet, I promise I will spend the remainder of our shared eternity attempting to regain your trust. Bella, my sweet Bella, my only one, I ask now for what I too recently and yet an agonizing length ago so callously discarded. I wanted only the best for you, and yet I promise that this time it will be different. I will never leave again. I will be yours forever… Please, Bella… I promise to love you forever. Will you be mine?"

This time, I cannot resist the urge to be ridiculously mushy. "I already am. Yes, Edward, I will marry you."

His mouth widens in something akin to agony and his hands hit the ground. It is a paroxysm of grief that lies beyond my understanding. The emotion is incomprehensible. Does he not want to marry me? Could the concept be so miserable? Why then would he ask?

I grip my stomach, desperately attempting to stifle the pain in order to maintain my (at this point extremely necessary) cognitive function. It feels like my innards are falling out.

There is a moment's pain. It feels like an eternity. Finally, Edward raises his head from the ground, his arms still prostrated in a wide bow, embracing the earth. The grief is not gone from his eyes.

"Bella, my love, I'm so sorry…"

The words trail off, and the meaning hits my soul, deep, striking me like a physical blow. The pain is far greater than anything a true wound could cause. My heart is so much more vulnerable.

The pain as it shatters yet again is so much worse.

I do not know what to say or do or where to go or how on earth I'll survive it again or why he keeps doing this. Why does he keep leaving me again and again, coming back and then realizing I'm repulsive and unworthy and then returning, promising he loves me, and leaving again…

Does he know what the cost in my hurt is?

"No…" I whisper, and finally I see a spark in his eyes light.

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	12. Chapter 12

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"Bella? Bella, what's wrong?"

His tone is frantic.

My answering one, in contrast, is thick, slow, and confused. It matches the haze of pain clouding my mind. "I thought you… wanted… me?"

He doesn't understand. I pull at my chest, trying to find the words, to see why he doesn't understand what he's doing to me.

"More than anything in the world, why?"

He still doesn't see it. There is a second as he pulls himself to his feet and looks into my eyes. I think he locates the ghost within them. He sees there is othing to see. "Bella? Oh, love, you didn't think… did you think I was going to leave you? Right after you agreed to marry me?"

I am ashamed as I realize the ludicrous misunderstanding that motivated my pain. I should trust him, and I cannot. "Yes. I'm sorry."

His eyes are aflame with fury as they bore into mine. "Sorry. You're sorry. Why the _hell _are you sorry? You're sorry I left you twice, and scared you? I don't deserve your love. I don't deserve a second look from you! How will I ever… I'm… I'm sorry, Bella. I can't do it."

"No! Edward, I don't care what you think. I love you. You're the only one I'll ever love. Don't, don't, don't leave me. Please. Please!"

"I promise not to, love. Don't worry. I'm just… I want so much to be enough for you, and I can't. Whatever I do is wrong. Both times, leaving you seemed like the right thing, the only right thing… and it's only hurt us both so much."

Finally, I decide the subtle kind approach isn't working. I give up on hinting Edward around to a normal relationship. "Listen to me, and listen good."

His head jerks up at my unfamiliar tone.

"You are going to stop treating me like a child. Right now. I'm not a human anymore. I can take care of myself. If you make a decision about my life ever again, I will hunt you down, and I will… um… something. That's not the point. But it will be dire. So the next time you start totally disrupting every facet of my existence, I get some input, okay? I'm an equal here. I'd like to be respected."

His eyes are ashamed. "I'm sorry, Bella."

"And stop apologizing. It's irritating. You can't change the past."

"But I can change the future." With those words, he slips the ring on my finger, kneeling once again to kiss, delicately, my hand. "We have a deal, my love."

I wrap my arms around him and pull him to his feet. "A deal."

His lips meet mine, again and again. Alice coughs.

"What?"

"Well, could you two get a room? Like, your room? I don't need to see that."

"I didn't need to hear you and Jasper for the last fifty years, either," Edward counters.

"Whoa, wait a second. We're not doing anything that requires a room until after the wedding. Soul? Ringing a bell? I am not endangering that, Edward. You're too important."

He sighs. "You're right."

Alice smiles. "Well, lovebirds, I've got a party to plan!"

The wedding will be held on a Monday morning in three months. By then, I should be somewhat better controlled. Since we're no longer speaking to any vampires beside ourselves, and Alice needs _someone_ to impress, we're waiting until I can be around humans so she can stun the townsfolk with her entertaining skills. After that, we'll have to move. Esme isn't pleased. She really liked this house. Then again, she gets to redecorate all over again, her favorite thing in the world.

Eternity requires ample hobbies.

Alice's plot inconveniences all of us. Also, I'd rather not have total strangers watch my wedding. However, this is the way Alice wants it. Apparently her plan for my matrimony involves lots of spectators.

Anything to make her happy…

I am still trying to regain the joy of feeling accepted by them. I want to make her happy, to prove I can be as good a sister as she has been.

Of course, she reassures me she'll love me even if I betray her utterly by limiting this wedding. Those were her exact words, by the way.

So I don't really have any choice…

And I have to do it for Edward too. He is delighted that we'll finally have our old-fashioned wedding, everything the way his mother would have liked it… if she hadn't been dead for a hundred and twenty years.

I suspect that is actually his motivation in this whole thing. I know his memories of Elizabeth Masen are very vague, but all loving, almost worshipful. She was apparently such a force her son still fears reckoning with her from beyond the grave.

Of course, I would never embarrass him by accusing him of being a mommy's boy, or hurt him by reminding him of the human life he lost… we both lost.

I take a silent moment to grieve. Poor Charlie. He must suspect I'm dead. I know he saw the chance from the beginning. I can still hear the clink of his bullets being locked away at night, from fear I would hurt myself back in the days a gun could harm me.

I sigh. I know he misses me. It must be hard, learning to live all alone for the second time, this time having lost me. Yet, I am very like my father in many ways. I hope he can empathize at least a little. It is quite uncomfortable picturing Charlie and Renee loving each other the way Edward and I do, but I can see the old sorrow in his eyes sometimes… not quite the same, but bad enough.

And I've put him through it again. I should write him a letter, since my voice probably sounds too different for a phone call. I can't invite him to the wedding, not with my appearance drastically changed, but I can tell him I've found Edward.

Maybe it will give us both some measure of piece. I scrounge up pen and paper, and then search for the words.

_Charlie, _I begin. No, that isn't right. I cross it out, angrily.

Sounds so casual, and this is probably the last time I will ever interact with my father.

_Dear Charlie, _I write, and then remember I wasn't supposed to call him that… at least not to his face. It was one of the few memories that had faded. I was certain more would happen after time. The details of my insignificant human life were already decreasing in strength and fervor.

_Dad…_

Again, the pen makes its thick dark stroke. Too abrupt.

_Dear Dad,_

That's it. I grab the second piece of stationary, in the (probably far too optimistic) hope that I won't have to cross anything else out.

I write it again.

_Dear Dad,_

_ I'm sorry. _

It's what I want to say, more than anything. Charlie doesn't deserve this, not being left by first my mother and then me. He shouldn't be all alone in that little town, trying to figure out what he's living for.

_I shouldn't have left like that, but I had too. I need him more than anything else. I don't expect you to understand or support my decision, but I can't live without him._

_ I'm sorry._

Painful. Even writing the words hurt. Yet it would be worse to spend the rest of my life- existence- pretending I'd never harmed my father, that I'd left my human life with all the pieces tied up neatly. It just wasn't true.

_I know you think he'll only hurt me again, and it won't be anything like a relief to hear this. I found Edward._

He would probably tear the letter into pieces when he found that name.

_I know you hate him. You have a good reason. If I could explain why he keeps leaving, you wouldn't. It isn't his fault. I promise you that. There's something about the Cullens I can never tell you. It isn't that I don't trust you, but it isn't safe. _

_ Not for either of us. If you knew, you'd be in danger. So I won't tell you. Believe me when I say, he loves me. And I love him._

_ It's probably not what you want to hear. _

_ But it's the truth._

_ Daddy, I love him, and I always will. If he leaves again, he leaves again. I can't keep him here, but it's silly to try living without him. There isn't any point… I can't try any harder than I did, and I still failed._

_ But I love you too. I miss you._

_ No, I'm not coming home. You can write me back, though you will never see me again. I'll always be thinking of you, dad. I love you._

_ I'm so sorry._

_ Love,_

_ Bella._

I am exceptionally proud as I seal up the envelope, blocking the dark lines of ink from my view forever.

I wrote it without even starting to cry… not that I have tears anymore. I have gotten better at suppressing emotion, I suppose.

I slip it into the mailbox and look away.

_Good-bye, Charlie._

The days faded, one as lovely as the next. I spent them all with Edward, and so I was happy.

We did little. Once a week we would hunt. The blood never grew more appealing, but it slaked the pain in my thirst, the pain that grew greater and greater with every passing second. It was no pleasure to kill the harmless animals, but it kept me from agony.

And Edward was always there. At first, we hunted together, all kinds of game. Eventually, we went mountain lion hunting together, unable to find the one I preferred. I found my tastes were the same as Edward's. There was something beyond a flavor, like you could taste the power in the blood- it was why humans were so much better. They were more complex and so much more delicious.

But they were people. I wouldn't kill a person. I had- but I never would again, not now that I had my family to keep us together and safe from doing any harm.

And it became more obvious with every day that passed how much I still, how much I always would, love Edward. I had unquestionably made the right choice. I scarcely thought of Jacob, really. Once in a while I'd regret hurting him, but then I'd remember he had something better now.

There was nothing wrong with my choice. Except Charlie and Renee. But I'd given my father the best closure I could. I had to do what I had to do, and I was selfish enough not to try to live without Edward.

I was glad of my weakness now, because it meant I didn't even have to try to be without him. I could be, forever, he said. Maybe I believe him.

Every day passes strengthens my faith just a little, that he might just love me. Every second he doesn't leave, I begin to think he never will.

It is wonderful.

And now he isn't so afraid of hurting me physically. We are still waiting for the wedding, but that doesn't stop him from kissing me in a way we never could before.

It is wonderful.

He is afraid, on the other hand, of breaking my heart again, with reason. He treads with silent tiptoes around the whole subject of his leaving me.

It is hard. I think the healthy thing to do would really be to have a heart-to-heart chat, but that's too painful. It isn't the way we do things. Besides, my life's good enough without that.

I can pretend I am sure in this new life with him. We may be forging a new life on a very uncertain ground, but our love will hold true. I will cling to my end with such strength, he will have very little choice.

I am certain of that.

He will not leave me in that way again.

I won't allow it. If he wants to go, he's going to have to prove he really wants to go. He's not getting away with this again.

"Bella, come on, come on, come on! Don't you care at all about your wedding? It's in a month! One scrawny, sad, lonely little month, just pleading for your attention. Poor little month, all ignored and alone, with no bride to pay any attention to it. Now, red or blue?"

"Red or blue what?" I hadn't been following.

"The ink on the spare programs, of course. In case the others don't work out."

"What? We're having two sets of programs?" Why? Isn't one generally sufficient?

"Of COURSE. What if something happens to the first? I mean, termites. Or they could get wet. Or lost. Or… maybe I should get a third."

"Question. Can't you order two sets of the same?"

She sighs and rolls her eyes. "Of course not. Then it wouldn't be fun, Bella. I mean, there needs to be some element of unpredictability."

"Alice. Honey. You know I don't care, right?"

She stamps her foot, looking the picture of a petulant four-year-old. "But I care. And Edward cares."

Again. She has no shame! There is nowhere at which she will stop. Because if Edward cares, I care too. "It's really unfair to exploit my paranoid fear of abandonment in order to force me to participate in party planning, Alice."

She grumbles. "Well, I have to work with what works, don't I? Anyway, RED or BLUE?"

"You decide."

"I don't want to. It's your wedding, Bella. It's your job."

"Obviously, you care a lot more than I do. I would be perfectly happy to get a certificate, sign it, and be done."

"But that's not what _Edward_ wants."

"That's the third time you've used that ploy on me in three minutes."

"That's also the third time it's worked in three minutes."

She had a point. "Blue. I pick blue. Edward likes when I wear blue, thus, by the logic that he should be as happy as possible with this, the lettering on the invitations should be blue." Actually, I'd chosen randomly, but I was well aware she'd expect some kind of reasoning.

"Great! What about the flowers?"

I stare her straight in the eye. "Alice, do you really _need_ to subject me to this?"

She looks away for a moment, clearly unwilling to answer. Finally, she grudgingly admits, "No, I guess not. I'll have just as much fun without you."

"I'm gone." I stand.

She protests instantly. "It just doesn't seem _right._ It's your wedding!"

"Which I don't want. Now, if there's going to be a couple hundred humans swarm my home in a sad, scrawny month, I'd better go figure out the whole concept of self-control."

She stares forlornly after me as I escape. Talk about a guilt trip. I almost regret letting her have her way, just because now she'll never be satisfied with it. She's so miserable in getting what she wants… which makes _no _sense, but okay.

I walk down the hall to my room, and find someone waiting for me… a most unwelcome someone.

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	13. Chapter 13

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"Jacob Black, what the _hell_ are you doing on my bed?"

He was sprawled on the sheets, garbed in nothing but a pair of black sweats, arms and legs at inconvenient angles, grin far too wide. "Hey, Bells. Good to see you again."

"You smell." It was true. I really wish he wasn't spreading his wet dog reek all over my possessions. It will probably take weeks for the stench to fade.

"So do you."

"Well, I'm not spreading my smell all over someone's room… uninvited, may I add?"

There is a twinge of pain in his eyes. "Bells, I just wanted to show you… I have a question. Does my wedding invite still count?"

"What invite? I told Alice not to give you one. I didn't want to hurt your feelings."

He laughs cynically. "Oh. Well, it didn't. It only made me run four thousand miles in giant wolf form because I was too pissed to phase back."

"Who sent it?" I wonder for a second. Suddenly, it dawns on me. "Edward. He is _dead."_

"Technically, you're right."

"Did he send it? How could he?"

"It was the right thing to do. I would have wanted…"

"No. You don't understand. If he hadn't… you wouldn't… you… I…"

"Oh." He is my Jacob again, without any warning. He is no longer hostile, but smiling slightly, earnest and honest. "Bella, you wish he hadn't sent it to me… because if he had, I never would have imprinted. Right?"

I am ashamed. I am so selfish to deny him this happiness. "Yeah."

"Well, that's understandable. I'm happier than I've ever been before, but you… you didn't have anyone. I broke my promise again, and this time it's for good. We're enemies now."

"Do we have to be? Jake, can't we be friends?"

"That's why I'm here. To say that even if we never see each other again, even if we're always on far sides of the fight, I'm still your friend. Under it all, I love you, and I always will. Nothing changed. I just love her more. Like Leah and Sam. Only you have Edward…"

"Do I?"

"Yes. You do. You know, I feel pretty bad about that. You were asleep. I spent about an hour trying to convince him to leave, so I could have another chance with you, that I was better for you. Guess he gave it a shot. This time, I was the one who blew it. Sorry."

It is an honest apology. I cannot accept it. "I don't need more guilt. Edward's got enough for the two of you."

"Bella, I'm going to stay for the wedding. Then I'll leave and get back to my own life, my new life. I like it. I just miss you. You needed me so much, and I can't help remembering how nice it was. Aliene is very independent. You are too, of course. Very proud. But you were so empty. Sometimes the life in her surprises me."

"Can we _not_ talk about her? I understand she's the center of your universe, but you have no idea how hard it was for me. To come to have you, to fix me up and make it all better, and find more pain. Jake…" I finish, for the pain I am describing flits across his face. "Anyway, how'd you find me?"

"The smell. It's like a vampire mixed with you. Stinks. Literally," he grins.

"Did I smell bad as a human?"

"Naw. You smelled great. But now it's like flowers, only mixed with sugar and ice, and lots of it. It actually hurts."

"Well, you smell like a poorly groomed dog."

He shakes his long hair at me. "You caught me."

I return to a more serious topic abruptly.

"Why'd you try to save me?"

His eyes are earnest. "I love you. I still do. I always will. But we'll never be together. It's as simple as that. I can't stand to have you die, but I have…"

"We're happier… we both have something better. Right? Only you know she loves you." I try to keep the bitterness out of my voice.

"No. No, really, I don't. I'm blind when I'm around her. I don't know who I am, who _she _is. All I know is that I have to keep her safe. And I love her. Really I do. But I don't know what she wants from me. With you, I always knew."

"Because I needed so much." Jacob hasn't exactly seen the best side of me. In fact, the only side he's seen is the one that's dying of heartbreak. He only knows me as someone with nothing left to lose, not as the well-adjusted sane human being I am now… well, minus the human part.

"Bella, I was never good for you. I thought myself so much better than him, but really I kept hurting you too."

"It was never either of your faults. I'm just not enough." I don't even hurt at the words. They're too true to worry about. They've become a part of me, really, so intrinsic. I no longer even notice the pain.

"You're more than enough. It's just the circumstances, Bells. He loves you. It's like the way I feel about her. I know you don't want to hear it, but I've seen him look at you. His world revolves around you."

I laugh cynically. "Once I made that exact same metaphor- while he was gone the first time. I was like a lost planet, defying all the laws of the universe to keep spiraling around the locale of my destroyed sun… except you were the sun to me."

There is an awkward silence. He breaks it. "So, I'm getting married too."

"I wasn't in any state to say this when I found out, but congratulations. Have you set a date?"

"Two years from now. She isn't ready, and I can wait. Werewolves are _good _at waiting."

"Like Quil and Claire."

"Yeah. He's got a long wait ahead."

Jake seems totally distracted. I know he has what I've always wanted for him, but he doesn't seem any happier than he did pining after me. I sigh. "Well, you're welcome here. As long as you want."

Unexpectedly, he hugs me. "Thanks, Bells. You're still my best friend."

His arms are even warmer than I remember. I snuggle into his embrace.

That, of course, is when Edward chooses to make his entrance.

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	14. Chapter 14

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"Bella! Bella, I'm so sorry. Why did you take revenge this way?" he practically screams. And then he runs away.

This, children, is called an _overreaction_.

"I'd better go after him, Jake. He's going to hurt someone if I don't go talk some sense into him."

"What's going on?"

I roll my eyes. "Edward thinks I'm cheating on him. He has self-esteem problems, you know. It's not really his fault."

"Why are you making excuses for him? Shouldn't you be…"

"No, because I know how totally ridiculous this whole thing is."

"He seems to be taking it pretty seriously."

"Haven't you realized? Edward takes _everything _seriously. So, before this gets any more serious, I'm going. Bye, Jake. I'll be back."

He nods, and I run out the door. I can't afford to think. I have to keep the façade of sarcasm and busy action up before I can lose it, because I have to go catch my idiot fiancé before something really bad happens.

See, even my thoughts are safe. I'm not wondering about, say, if he'll forgive me, or how high the odds are he'll leave again…

Oops.

"Alice!" I call. She bobs up by my side in an instant.

"Want to help plan a wedding?"

I groan. "I need help getting the groom first."

"What's he done now?"

"He walked in on me sharing a friendly hug with Jake. Obviously he's assumed I no longer love him and am busy throwing away my innocence. So I've got to get him."

"You weren't…"

"Alice. He's imprinted. I'm engaged. We aren't exactly single, sweetie."

She grins. I lead her off to find him. We run together as fast as we can. Alice was selected for the task for many reasons. First, she's my best friend. Second, she's fastest. Third, she's the only one who can talk sense into Edward.

The ground disappears speedily. We run faster than I can even comprehend, faster than Edward can- hopefully. I follow his smell, so familiar. I knew it even as a human, so in my new immortal body it is practically a part of myself. The trail is perfectly strong, leading through the woods.

The perfect smell goes on into the dark greenness. I beckon Alice on, but she shakes her head. "No, Bella. You fix this yourself. I'm staying here."

I groan. "Please?"

"Nope."

The golden moonlight filters down as I run alone after the only real love I've ever known. I can't stand this. I have to find him. I have to tell him how much I love him. I have to tell him it's only him I love. I have to get him back.

It's really kind of funny. That he's jealous of _Jake._ The only reason I love Jake is because… because he fixed me when Edward left. And now he's left because I love Jake.

I laugh at the irony. It is so bitter a sound I don't believe it myself. It rings hollowly off the trees, broken like my heart as it bounces back into my ears.

He is curled in a little ball of agony. It mirrors my pain. I find him on the forest floor, and I can't stand to see him so weak.

"Edward? Edward?"

He turns his head half-heartedly. "Why are you here? Do you want to hurt me again? I'm sorry…"

"Are you all right?"

He laughs cynically. No answer is made. I sigh and try another approach.

"I never meant to hurt you."

He doesn't seem to believe me, not at all. It's almost like he thinks it's ridiculous. "Right." I am stung by the sarcasm, so I try further honesty in return.

"Edward, I wasn't… it's a misunderstanding. I was just giving my friend a hug."

"Your friend that you're in love with." I've never seen him so caustic before, like he's trying to keep me away… no. No. God, no. Anything but that! I try again.

"When I was human. But it's a different lifetime now, Edward. I'm a different person. I can barely stand the smell of him. He's a friend. And he's imprinted. He's got something so much better than I could give him, even if I were inclined to, which I'm not. Because I love you. I only want to be with you."

"Really?" He doesn't sound hopeful.

"Really. Now get up."

"You… I… do you… I…" he can't find the words. I recognize the feeling. I kneel beside him, stroking his soft hair. My hand tingles at the contact.

"Please. I'm telling the truth."

"Do you promise?" his voice is pitifully weak.

"I promise. I promise I love you. Do you love me?" I have to know. Can he stay with me? Will he? Can he forgive me? I pray it is possible. I need this. I can't live without him again.

"What?"

"Edward. I didn't mean to hurt you. I love you. I don't love Jacob, not anymore."

"Please don't lie to me." It is a plea I once said to him, a long time ago, another life. I recognize my own pain. I begin to suspect he doesn't want to hurt me, and yet he has. He doesn't want me… or does he? I can't be sure.

"I'm not lying." It's hurting me. He is not the victim here. I wasn't doing anything wrong. "Don't accuse me of it. I would never do that. Never."

"You've lied before."

His words are a whiplash, a smack. I feel them strike me. "Not to you. Never to you."

"That's not true. You're lying." He doesn't seem to believe himself.

"You don't love me. You never loved me. I wonder if Jake will kill me, or if I have to go irritate the Volturi." And in that second, I believe it. I can't stand to live without him. I can't do this again. I've given everything, and he just keeps taking it away. Again and again. There is nothing left. I have to give up. I have to stop fighting, or it'll just keep going, again and again and again…

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	15. Chapter 15

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"Bella, I'm sorry. I broke my promise again, didn't I? I'm over-reacting."

"You think?" I am infinitely relieved. It isn't a plot to leave me. It's just Edward being stupid again. It's like I can breathe, not that I really need to.

"I'm sorry."

"Stop apologizing. It's really irritating. Just so you know, I love you."

"And I love you."

I look straight in his eyes and see he believes it. This makes me smile wide. I know I won't be left again. I know I'm safe now. Or at least I believe it, which amounts to the same thing in the end.

"Don't leave me, Edward. Please," I beg. It isn't the right time or place for this conversation.

"I won't. I won't, I swear."

"You promise?"

"Yes."

"But you've broken them before."

His eyes turn to fire. "I swear by God and my family, Isabella Swan, that I will be yours, by your side, until the day you forbid me forever from your presence, and even then my heart will still belong to you. Will that do?"

"I should think so." I smile at him, and he almost returns it.  
"Bella, will you tell me something?" he asks, and I nod. "Is it true that you love Jacob Black?"

I let the question dangle for a second as I search for the words. The wind rustles in the silence, and I see a mounting agony threatening to overwhelm his face. Studied calm keeps it at bay, but just barely. "I… I did. I don't think I do anymore. He's still my friend. He always will be… but I don't think I love him. I never loved him like I love you, I can tell you that… The only reason… the only reason I care about Jacob anymore is because of how very much I owe him."

This wasn't going to be easy.

"What do you owe him?"

"My life, seven or eight times. Probably my sanity. It isn't fair to treat Jake the way I have, but he's imprinted now, so I hope he'll be happy." All I ever wanted was for them to be happy. It still doesn't seem like too much to ask. I don't care what it does to me, as long as those I love are happy.

He weighs my words.

"Edward, I'm telling you the truth. The only thing I've ever wanted is to give Jake back what he gave me. The only thing I've ever wanted is you, Edward. I love you. I promise."

"Okay," he says, and slowly he stands. I see a great invisible weight pressing down his shoulders, but I ignore it. I run to him, and he wraps his arms around me.

He bends his face so his lips meet my hair. I hold him closer. The world rushes around us and disappears, utterly inconsequential to the sweetness of his touch. He is all I see or feel, and that's just the way I like it.

"Edward," I whisper. "I love you."

He smiles.

"I love you, I love you, I love you. No one but you. Never anyone else. I swear it."

This is probably the closest our strange relationship will ever get to an honest confession of our feelings. We try so hard to prevent the other's pain. It's sad. The only place we can tell the truth is here in this dark, depressing wood.

"Bella, stop promising."

"Do you believe me?" I demand.

"Yes."

"Liar."

He sighs and looks at me. "Why don't you trust me?"

"Do you want the truth?"

"Of course."

I spit it out, slowly, painfully. "Edward… I love you, but you're just not very trustworthy. How many times have you broken promises? How many times have you broken my heart?"

He winces. "I'm sorry."

"I've returned the favor. We aren't blameless, either of us. It's been a long hard road to our happily ever after. But every day we get closer to the end. Everything will end up okay."

"You think so?"

"I know so."

He smiles brilliantly, a grin shooting across his face full-fledged. "Thank you, Isabella."

I freeze. _Good-bye, Isabella. Good-bye, Isabella, good-bye, good-bye, good-bye, good-bye… _

"What's wrong?"

"Don't call me that," I ask weakly, and he nods.

"Why?"

"When you left…" I stammer. "That's what you…"

"I'm surprised you remember," he murmurs, trying to distract us both.

"None of the memories have faded. I'm sorry for that. It would save us so much heartbreak if only I didn't have to remember."

"Could you take the memories away with your power?"

I probe the inside of my own mind gently. "Probably, but I wouldn't. It wouldn't be fair to you, to have to hold that knowledge all alone. I can't take it from you, so I'll hang on to it as well."

"Bella, I don't deserve you."

"Nonsense. Come kiss me, please," I reply, and he obeys.

Splendidly.

When we break apart, Edward says, slowly, "Bella, will you tell me why you keep coming back to me? Again and again I'm stupid enough to push you away, and yet you always follow no matter how cruel I am. Why?"

"I can't live without you." The whole world agrees. The trees sway and the moon gyrates to that resounding truth as night deepens over us. "I have to keep coming back. We don't have a very healthy relationship, really, with all the lies and the desperation of it. We need each other so much, maybe too much. And I'll always come back. Because of how much I love you."

His hands surround me, pulling me closer. "I will never leave you again."

"Don't make another promise you'll only break," I say sadly. Those are words I will never believe.

"I would nev…"

"Oh, but you do. You do, Edward," I whisper. I can feel sobs in my chest, tight and hard.

His hand strokes my face now, just as gently as if I were still breakable. "No, Bella. Because I'm making a different promise. I'll always love you. And there's one I've never broken, and I never will."

"You really never stopped loving me?"

"Did you ever think I did, beautiful? No, it was always a lie. I always have loved you. And I always will. Forever."

The most beautiful thing I've ever heard, in all honesty… Perfection. It's a promise I don't expect to be kept… but, but, but, if I only hope, that's enough, that's all I need. I can live as long as he hope. In fact, he almost seems to think it's true himself. That's wonderful.

He is very beautiful. I still think he's the most attractive person I've ever seen. He's lovely, especially with the slight shine the clear moonlight gives his skin. "So. We're getting married in a month?"

"Yeah," I whisper. He grins.

"I'm so glad you forgave me, Bella."

"I don't have much of a choice. You know that, right? I have to have you to live, and I have to forgive you to keep you near."

"No." He contradicts me with a sad smile. "I'll always be near you. Always.

"Really?" I sound pitiful to my own ears. I am staking all my hopes and dreams on this one answer. It isn't really right. I should be somewhat stronger. I should at least try to hide how pitiful I am, but I don't really want to. I want to be able to trust him with this.

"Always. I'll always be here for you. I'll always be waiting."

Edward holds me tight, and I am of course comforted. I can't help but be happy when I'm around him. He's so much for me even when I don't really feel glad, even when I don't want to be happy, he makes me happy.

His smile widens when I grasp him tightly around the waist. I feel so close. He is practically grinning, the familiar crooked smile I love almost as much as I love him.

"Do you promise to love me? Forever?"

"Forever," he swears, and I share his grin.

"I couldn't be happier than to marry you, so I can love you… forever."

"Bella…" he begins, and then stops.

"What?" I ask, worried.

"I don't… nevermind."

"Edward, what is it? Tell me, please. Please."

"I… you don't have to feel obligated. It isn't a… I'll love you no matter what. Don't marry me just because you think it'll make me stay with you. I'm never leaving again, and you have my word on that. I want you to marry me because you want to, not because you're scared… it's the same thing as changing you." He stutters it out unwilling, and the breath freezes in my throat.

I try to hide the fact that he's truly hit home. "Oh, Edward. I… I… I love you. I'm marrying you because I love you and I want to spend the rest of eternity with you. That's the only reason."

His eyes peer into my heart. "Can you promise me that? Will you swear that's not a lie?"

Can I afford to tell him the truth? Can I afford not to?

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	16. Chapter 16

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"N… no. I can't lie to you." I look down. "But I am… it's not totally a lie. I _am _marrying you because I love you. But there is a secondary reason."

He grips my chin, forcing my eyes into his "You don't want to marry me."

"I do. See, this is why I didn't want to tell you. I definitely want to marry you. But…"

"Why are you marrying me? All the reasons."

"The truth, the whole truth… and nothing but the truth?"

He grins wryly. "Yes, Bella. Every last bit of it."

"Okay… I… There are a lot of reasons. First of all, I love you. I love you more than anything. Second, I want to make _you _happy, and I know this will…"

"Every minute I spend with you is a happy one, Bella. You don't have to…"

"But I want to make you even happier, Edward. I want to give you something as wonderful as what you've given me…"

He interrupts suddenly. "And what makes you think you haven't?"  
_Because if you loved me anywhere like as much as I love you, you'd never have left me… _"If you keep interrupting, you'll never get those answers, Edward."

"Oh, all right."

"Third, I want to be a part of your family. I love you all, and I want to be… I want to be really related to all of you, not just the freeloading girlfriend. And, a very, very small part is… I am afraid. I'm afraid that if I don't find some way to make you mine, really truly mine, you'll end up leaving again… and I don't know if I can stand that. Actually, that's not true. I _know _I can't stand that. So what am I supposed to do? I know that if you marry me you'll never leave. You're so old fashioned. You'd think that once we're married, well, that's it, it's forever."

"It is. Forever, forever, forever, forever and ever. Until I die, and I am never going to…"

I don't bother calling him out for the interruption. "And I need to be with you forever."

"Okay."

I am shocked. "What? That's it? You're actually accepting my decisions?"

His smile is sarcastic and hard. "Yes. I can't keep hurting you. I have to trust you, and if you want to marry me… if that's what your choice is, than I can't hurt you by… by trying to talk you out of what we both want… as long as I'm what you want."

He doesn't place the appropriate inflection, but I can absolutely tell that it's a question, the last part at least. He is no more certain of our eternity than I am. "Yes. I want you more than anything, more than everything."

He takes my hand. "Come on. We have to find Alice."

"How far can she have gotten, honestly?" I ask.

He turns and runs into the forest. "Race you!"

I laugh with his rare high spirits. He is already disappearing into the brush, but I use the last of my newborn blood to speed past him.

"I win!" I call, and then look around in shock.

She is nowhere to be found…

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	17. Chapter 17

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"Alice!" Oh, God. I could feel the fear set in. She isn't where she was… so where can she be?

"Bella, where is she?" Edward asks. I don't want to answer. I don't want to let him down… and I don't want my only response, the only one I can offer, to be true.

"I… I don't know. She was right here a minute ago! Oh, God. Where is she!"

I look around desperately. I see nothing more than the trees. It is an exceptionally beautiful place. I can recognize that, even through my panic… but I am more worried about Alice. I dragged her out here to fix my own stupid mistake, and here I am, losing her… I am so worried. What could have happened?

I gasp. "Oh, Edward, we have to find her."

"We will," he assures me. I've never heard a more obvious lie in all my days, but I don't bother pointing it out. I am perfectly sure he knows too, that I can see through his falsity.

"Let's go look for her."

We work out a careful schedule. The two of us run out after her, searching every inch of the woods. It reminds me of the days I searched the woods, with Jake, for my meadow.

That ended _so _well. I've been simply dying to replicate the experience. Maybe this time I can be attacked by a psychotic vampire and rescued by a pack of werewolves again!

I hope it won't have quite as far-reaching consequences… I meditate briefly on all the day I found the meadow alone entailed. Laurent's death led to Irena's betrayal, leading to my being here in the first place… with that thought I return to the search, and find…

Nothing. Trees, darkness, pale moonlight, soft branches, nothing.

No Alice.

Maybe she's at the house. I have to hold out for that hope. I look curiously at Edward, who I've just run into, in our starting place. "Any luck?" I ask, knowing the answer… after all, he isn't trailing a pixie-like spiky-haired vampire.

"No. You?"

I have to crush his hopes too. "No."

We turn, and, without a further word, run back to the house. It is a brief trip. Jake greets us at the door.

"Bella, I'm so sorry. Edward, you know I didn't mean anything by…"

"Yes, yes, I know." Edward brushes past Jake, who frowns. My love is truly being kind of rude, not intentionally, but I call him out on it nonetheless.

"Edward! Jake, I'm sorry. He's just worried, because we… lost Alice."  
"What?"

"She's gone!"

Jake pats me on the back. "I'm so sorry, Bells. I'm sure she's somewhere…"

"She didn't come back here?"

"Not as far as I know," he says, destroying my last hope.

"Oh, no. Oh, no. I have to go tell the others," I say, brushing past Jacob and through the door.

They are gathered there. "Bella, are you all right? Edward?"

"We're fine, but…"

"Where's Alice?" Jasper demands. I can't bring myself to meet his eyes.

"Jasper, Jasper, I am so sorry. I…"

"Where is she? Where is she?"  
"I…"  
He walks closer to me. Edward growls and lunges forward, but I shake my head at him. Jasper wouldn't hurt me… and it's not his fault. I'm the one who got Alice lost.

"I'm so sorry, Jasper. I don't know."

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	18. Chapter 18

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He leaps toward me, but I recognize it isn't an attack. As I suspected, he doesn't actually reach toward me, rather collapsing to the ground.

I recognize the pain. It so recently was my own… and it is unimaginable in all-encompassing agony. Edward looks on in surprise and pity, with the same sense of familiarity.

"Jasper, we're sorry."

"I have to find her!" he moans. "I can't… can't live without her!"

"Don't. This family's had enough suicide attempts," Edward begins. Jasper growls and stands, lunging toward him.

"Oh, so you get to end your pain, but I don't? Is that it? I'm supposed to live without her? How do you expect I do that? I can't, Edward, Edward, I can't…"

And everyone in the room trembles at the explosion of grief. It radiates out from him. My heart sinks into my toes, pulsing. I can only imagine how awful all the agony of our last few months must have been for Jasper, if everything affects him like this. It is too much, too strong. I grab at my heart, trying to push it up into my chest. Edward embraces me.

"Oh, Bella," he whispers. "It's all right."

"No," Jasper says. "No, it isn't. And it'll never be right again."

I am inclined to agree. Where can she be? I will search the world to find my friend, if that's what it takes. I need to make sure my family is whole, to fix the gap left by her absence.

"Jasper, I'll help you look for her. To the end of time if that's what it takes."

"Bella, what about the wedding? What about me?"

His expression is heartbreaking. I survey Edward for a second, trying not to be swayed by the perfection of his features, by how much I adore him and everything about him. It isn't fair, though, to give in to the only thing I want and forget the people I love, the people who need me. I did it once, with Jake, with Charlie, chasing my impossible angel and abandoning the good solid souls. I don't regret my choice… not that I ever had one, I could never have had anything but him in my future. But I can't lose Alice. I can't give her up. I have to help.

"I'm sorry, Edward."

"I'll come too," he offers. "We can get married when we get back, with her."

I nod eagerly. The pain in the room lightens slightly, but does not fade, though it's replaced by a pale undercurrent of something I recognize. Hope.

It may be misplaced. I seriously doubt we'll ever find her. However, I don't show that. Instead, I reach for Jasper's mind.

_Alice…_ And darkness. That is all I can sense. I carefully and gently replace the nothingness with determination.

_I'll find her. She'll be perfectly fine. Stuff happens._

His face smoothes. The tension in the air disappears.

I grin widely, before remembering she is gone.

Still, I'm pretty pleased with myself. A job well done… But I have a bigger task to complete.

It is a while, wandering the dark and empty forests, before the obvious occurs to me. Italy. Revenge… I killed two of their best guard. They must have taken my sister.

I broadcast the idea, tentatively, to Jasper. _I… think… she's in Italy._

_ What? Why would the Volturi, the peacekeepers…_

_ I killed Alec and Jane. I think they want revenge._

_ No. No. No. No. She… she… she can't be… dead. No._

_ I don't think she is. If she was, they'd have told us._ A total lie. It's better recompense to have us looking hopelessly for her. But I would never say that to Jasper. He's having a hard enough time. He doesn't need one more blow.

_Do you really think so? _And even in mere thought, it is a pitiable sound of fragile hope and greater pain that I hear from him.

_Yes._ I lie shamelessly, because I am serving a greater good. I have to unite my family.

Is there even such a thing as a happy ending? My own has been delayed so long, and I begin to fear it will never come, that Edward will leave again, that… Oh, God, let him not. Let him stay. I know I'm not worthy, but let him have pity. Let him stay.

I can't live without him. I need him so much, need him _too _much, but I can't make myself any less dependant. I will die. I will die without him.

Like Alice and Jasper. We make mates for life. I used to object to the word _mate _in terms of the vampire couples. Now I know why it's used as commonly as coven among our kind.

It's the one you need, the one who completes you, the perfect match to you, the second part of your pair.

You cannot be without them. I felt this way about Edward even as a human, but it's almost even stronger now.

It was bad enough being without him, thinking he didn't want me. I can only imagine how terrible it must be for Jasper, fearing for her life.

Let her be alive. Please, for Jasper, for all of us, not for me. Please, she's my sister. Don't take her away from us, from her whole family.

We're strong, but we're not strong enough to exist without each other.

Please, let Alice be alive. It's something we need.

_If she's alive, then she's probably being tortured,_ Jasper thinks tonelessly.

_Of course not. They wouldn't do that,_ I reply. Lying again. Who cares.

_I don't believe you, Bella. I feel the dishonesty all the way over here._

_ Jasper, have a little hope._

_ What do I have to hope for?_ I sigh and consider before answering. The pause stretches out, and I know without having to wonder he is desperate and miserable, waiting for me to bring some magic solution.

_ Hope she's fine. Hope you'll see her again. Hope the pain will end. Hope someday you can die without hurting anyone, I don't care, just hope. It'll get you through. And maybe, just maybe, it'll come true._

It is dark and dreary nothingness inside Volterra. The castle we have penetrated now swallows us up, weeping its sad lonesome story of so many, too many years, to the first fresh and un-doomed ears it has possessed in so many, too many years.

This time, I tumble through the sewer on my own. I am strong like him now… and so I feel a different fear. I fear not for myself, but for the one in the depths of this accursed stronghold. Poor Alice. I pray she is all right, but I have no way of even hoping…

Can't grow gloomy. Can't expect Jasper to stand it. Must stay strong…

Edward takes my hand in the darkness, and I feel instantly better. He comforts me. He is my bulwark, my shield. With him, I am steadfast and strong. Without him, I have all the strength of a snowman in July.

The darkness swallows us up as we pad through the tunnel. Alice. We must find her.

It's my fault. All my fault. If I hadn't gone and dragged her with me on a selfish search, she'd be safe at home, not in Volterra, imprisoned or worse.

No, not worse. She's locked up. That's all. She isn't dead. She's perfectly safe, and she'll be fine, and Aro will have to let her go…

These thoughts I send clearly and "accidentally" to Jasper.

It doesn't work. I can feel the gloom hover around him and sense his own mind. _What if she's gone, what if she's dead, what if I never see her again, kill, kill, I'll kill them all, they'll kill me but I'll be with you, kill, kill anything, anyone for you, Alice, kill…_

It is a savage litany that doesn't belong. I fear that without her he will revert to the carnivorous ways of our kind, feasting on human blood, abandoning family, reveling in death and pain. I send a cruel thought at him. _Would you, if she is dead, dishonor her memory so? You know she wanted you not to kill._

I can hear the sigh, heavy even in his mind. _No. I won't kill, even if she is gone… but I will avenge her. I won't be a murderer, but if the Volturi slew her, in defiance of their own laws… they will learn the meaning of punishment._

I try to soothe him unheeded. Well, there is nothing more I can do. I must face the possibility she is gone… and what I will do if she isn't. I must face the Volturi, creatures of my nightmares.

I have to, for my sister's sake.

We walk down the hallway. I squeeze Edward's hand, and he returns the gesture. After, our hands are as floppy as fish, without any bone to them… full of fear. Full of hate. Full of worry.

Our family needs each other. I cannot go without my sister…

In these thoughts, I don't notice the hall has ended until I bump into solid stone. I feel around to find the section of wood… an entry way. This is how one enters the palace of the vampire kings, and I have come to beg another boon of them.

Summoning my courage, I knock on the door.

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	19. Chapter 19

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Gianna opens it, beaming. I recognize her only barely- my human memories, though not the important ones, have indeed begun to fade. She is unimportant, merely a poetic device to throw the monstrous alternative to my family into sharper life. Gianna is, if you would, my evil twin. She wants to be a vampire… but not the kind one should ever want to be.

"Hello, Gianna," I say. She doesn't seem happy to see me- after all, I have our heart's desire, while she's still waiting.

"Hello, Mister Cullen, Mister Hale." I am obviously and intentionally slighted, but I don't care.

Edward snarls, but I soothe him with a pat on the arm. Attacking secretaries is not a good way to begin hostage negotiations.

"We need to speak to Aro," he insists. I am probably the most capable of having this conversation, but Gianna doesn't want to talk to me. Edward's too abrupt, and Jasper isn't talking to anyone at the moment. He's in a deep consuming grief.

"But of course." Gianna bustles off, smiling as she does so.

We stand in awkward silence. Edward grasps my hand, twirling the ring on my finger. This makes me smile, as terrible as circumstances currently are, to think he still loves me, that he wants me by his side forever. I am forever his… so long as he wants me.

There is an ominous sound. The back door creaks open, Gianna holding it wide.

A black-robed figure enters. He mutters to himself as he throws back the hood obscuring strange features. He is not like others, obviously. Not like me or a human… and yet familiar.

Aro, skin pale and horrible, grins at us. "Hello, all. Bella, you look pleased. I'm so glad to see things have worked out for you."

"I am indebted to you, Aro."

"Nonsense, nonsense. It's wonderful to see a happy ending!"

I wouldn't call it that, not yet. Not until we have my sister back. Yet, I suppose I wasn't lying. I do owe Aro. He gave me yet another chance, another change, to earn the love I've never deserved, never been vain and bold enough to ask for.

"Aro…" Jasper begins. I continue for him.

"On the subject of happy endings, I was chasing my fool of a fiancée, when I lost… Alice. Do you know where she is?"

Aro sighs. "Ah. Yes. I thought you might mention that."

"Where is she?" Jasper demands. "Tell me! Tell me! If you've hurt her…"

Edward places a hand on his back, the intent either to soothe or restrain. I can't be certain. Both are apparently necessary, from the combination of hostility and misery I feel pouring into the room.

"She's unharmed. But…" Aro weighs a decision. "Well… I suppose we need to come to an arrangement."

"Whatever can you mean?"

The question hangs in the air. Friendly, open Aro appears to be fencing with the words, swishing around the point, trying desperately to avoid saying what must be said.

"Well…"

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	20. Chapter 20

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"You see, I have something you want. And you have something I want."

"Anything," Jasper swore. "I don't care. Anything, as long as she's safe… and mine again." He doesn't say this in a possessive or territorial way… just protective.

_ Mine and safe from harm. That's all I want… Alice…_ I read clearly in his thoughts.

Aro's mind is a hazy one, but I am able to decipher it. "Well, you see…" _I want one thing. You want one thing. How hard can this be. Spit it out, Aro. _"I am… inclined to have you in my guard. Most inclined… however, the others in the Volturi are, shall we say, not. They would rather… em…" _Jane and Alec were never very close to us… but vengeance calls, and so does war. "_Seek retribution for the deaths of two of our own…"

"Jane and Alec," I whisper. "They want to kill Alice because I killed Jane and Alec."

I am horrified at the very thought, that my own desire to protect Edward, to prove myself to the family, resulted in not just two killings but the potential death of my own dear sister.

At the words 'kill Alice,' Jasper winces and covers his face with his hands, shaking his head quite vigorously. "No…"

"You're quite right. That's exactly what they intend. However, Mr. Hale, I can assure you your wife is quite unharmed, if a bit… shaken. Understandably, the situation she's in… she's being kept just above the main room, the turret… and Caius hasn't seen fit to provide the manner of food you prefer."

"They're starving her…" An improbable image, left over from human days, passes through Jasper's mind. _Alice, even frailer than she is now, literally wasting into nothing…_

"They wish to… break her spirit. Our usual method of… of…"

_Torture, _his mind supplies. Edward's eyes meet mine. I am certain Jasper could infer it, but we both feel it's best to leave that word on the far side of a divide.

"Jane is… unavailable. Thus, my brothers have decided that deprivation will weaken her enough to make her feed… like us."

"Never. She never will!"

Aro turns to Jasper. "Fascinating! You truly believe your mate will withstand starvation to save one puny human life."

"Yes, and so much more. My Alice is brave!"

"As I am not?"

Jasper turns away, unwilling to answer. Aro chuckles.

"Ah, you are a complex and intriguing member of our kind, Jasper Hale. So… where was I? A bargain… a bargain…"

He appears to be searching for the words, but I read his mind. Tactical strategies aren't very effective when your opponent is a psychic. His brain is positively whirring with thoughts, but I can't detect his intent. Finally, he smiles at us. "I am going to make you an offer, Bella, Edward, Jasper. An offer I truly don't believe you can refuse."

"Anything," Jasper reiterates. "Anything. Just say the words."

"Very well. I want Jasper and Bella to join the guard… for fifty years. At the end of that time all three of you- Alice, Jasper, and Bella- may go home to your family. If you refuse, the three of you may go, but Alice… I'm afraid she will never return."

Jasper says instantly, "Of course. I'm here."

"Not me?" is Edward's response. Vain much? Really.

"Well," Aro begins, "I'm afraid we don't _need _you. Bella has your ability. And she can project thoughts as well… she's simply more powerful."

I like that idea. I've never been more than Edward in any subject. Really, it's a marvel to think of it that I've exceeded him in any way.

"Will you stay?" Edward asks.

"Of course," Jasper reiterates. "I'd stay fifty thousand years if that's what it took."

Aro laughs. "Perhaps I should set the bar higher! But, Jasper, I'm afraid only one of you won't do. It's all or nothing."

I look away, look down, look anywhere but at the four burning topaz eyes. "Will Edward be able to stay?" I ask.

"No. Well, I suppose I can't prevent him from staying near the city, but since he won't be accepted in the guard, he'd have to stay outside our walls- only Volturi live in Volterra."

"I would have to go fifty years without him?" I ask. My heart sinks. It is an impossible thing to ask. Far, far too long- it would kill me. I can't wait that time. It is agony even to consider. I won't make it.

"Yes. That's the deal. You live without him, or you never see your sister again."

She isn't really my sister, I want to protest. A minute ago I had considered our tie dearer than any in birth and blood- but for Edward, it was nothing. I couldn't be without him. I couldn't.

Jasper turns to me, sensing the conflict and regret I felt. "Bella, I can't… Please."

"What?" I say, though I know it already. I just don't want to hear it, want to forestall the entreaty I know is coming because I don't want to face what absolutely has to happen.

"Bella, don't do this to me. Fifty years, it seems a long time, but you have all eternity. Please, please, please don't do this. If I can't get these fifty tiny years from you I have to spend forever without her and I won't survive it. She's your friend, Bella. Please."

"All right," I begin, because I know it's right even if I don't like it. I suppose I simply have to do what I have to do, whether or not it's what I want. I have to. It would be the height of cruelty to abandon Alice for Edward, when she will die and the only penalty I would suffer is my heart turning to lead and splintering into agonizing pieces… and lingering there as I wondered hopelessly whether or not I had somehow managed to retain his love.

Edward turns to me. "Bella, please don't. Don't do this to me! I can't live without you. I know I left you… but don't leave me. I need you, love. I need you. I can't… Bella, don't do this to me. Stay with me. Don't you love me?"

More than everything else in the world.

But Jasper leans in closer. "Don't. Don't. Do you forget how Alice has always been there for you? Would you let your own sister… and your brother… die, so you could be with him? Are you that selfish? I never would have thought it of you."

I see the manipulation in the statement. Nonetheless, it's true, it's deserved. I have a hideous decision to make.

Aro laughs again. "Fascinating! So, Bella, what will you choose?"

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	21. Chapter 21

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I gulp. I don't know. Honestly, there is no way I could be more conflicted. I love Edward more than the rest of the world together. But I can't imagine any choice more selfish than staying with him and letting everyone else I love lose their lives- because I know without Alice the family will collapse.

"I'll stay," I say. Edward groans.

"No…"

"Thank you, Bella."

"Ha! I can't wait to see how this turns out!" Aro chuckled. "This is the most fascinating situation I've seen in millennia!"  
Excellent. That just brightens me up, it does. Jasper looks at me, and I can hear him saying mentally, _Let it be possible, let her be safe… anything, anything._

I know I've made the right decision. It's the only fair way, to give back to Alice what our family has given to me. I need to repay the mistake I'd made. I am the reason she's here. I can't just abandon her.

And she's my best friend. I don't want to lose her.

Yet the pain… fifty years. Fifty years. Fifty years. That's three times as long as I've lived so far- indescribable lengths of painful lonely time. I don't think I'll live that long, truly. It's horrible to comprehend, and yet I must find a way to do it.

"Fascinating! I'll go inform my brothers," Aro announces.

Jasper follows him out. Edward and I are alone. He stares at me, betrayal and pain in his face. Gently, his hand glides across my cheek.

I can't meet his eyes. "Oh, Edward. I'm so sorry."

"I deserve it," he says. I wish he'd said he forgives me, but I don't have any right to expect that.

I twist the ring off my finger, offer it to him. "Edward, I can't keep this. Fifty years is too long to expect you to wait for me. I'll always love you, but I don't expect you to wait for me."

"I will," he whispers. "I'll wait forever. And I want you to keep that, to remember me. In fifty years, I want to marry you. In fifty years I will still feel this way. In a thousand years, in a million… Bella, I meant it when I said I'd love you forever. This doesn't change anything."

"I am going to miss you," I say. It is an insubstantial utterance. It goes nowhere near capturing the depth of my feelings. I am going to be in agony every instant we are apart. I am going to ache for him, my soul burning, my heart a chunk of empty ice.

He chuckles softly, catching the understatement. "And I you, Bella."

Quietly, without any words, I kiss him. It only lasts a second. Unlike at our other partings, there is no fiery rage, just soft devotion.

When I pull away, I can finally meet his eyes. He smiles with some effort. I can tell it is a lying expression. I don't really care.

"I love you."

"And I love you, Bella."

"Will you wait for me? I don't have any right to ask."

"I couldn't leave you if I wanted to," he says.

And with that he walks away. And for the third time, I am alone.

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	22. Chapter 22

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Seven years later, I sit alone in a room. It is gray and dark and dismal. Nothing in particular is happening. Nothing at all. I am alone, as always. But that is only a part of it. Even I am not here. I am miles away, in Edward's arms. My body is serving the Volturi, a member of their guard, little more than a glorified mercenary.

My heart is with Edward, now and forever. I wonder if he can feel me there, sense it as I kiss him, feel my caresses, my hand on his, my heart swelling to envelop how I feel in his presence.

No, I doubt it. I doubt he knows I am with him.

But I am, and I always will be. I am as irreplaceable and deep a part of Edward as his own heart… not that that beats, not that that serves much purpose. But it's there.

And it loves me as I love him, forever… no distance, no time, nothing can come between us. I believe I had an epiphany to that effect once.

I grip my stomach.

"Isabella Swan?" The bored voice of Gianna's replacement Helene reads over a loudspeaker. "Guest for you in the Turret Room."

I do not allow hope. I cannot. It is not him, he isn't allowed to see me. I cannot let myself daydream it's Edward…

I walk to the room. I drag myself there, as I drag myself everywhere without my love to give me the spark free movement requires.

The long footsteps follow me a bit behind my actual feet. I am a Volturi now in all appearance. I am robed in a black cloak. It covers every inch of this disappointing vampire body, this form that didn't do what I always thought it would. I am not beautiful, but I can disguise that in long dark clothing. The hood hides the woe and pain on my shadowed pale hideous face.

I used to be average among humans. Now I am ugly among vampires. Not much of an improvement… but now I can be with Edward forever. After I make it through this fifty year Limbo, that is. Let me into heaven! Leave me not in hell… hell is not some fictional land of brimstone and red and flames.

It's anywhere Edward isn't. And heaven is the color of his eyes and the sensation of his touch. The only halo I need is his kiss. The only harp music I hear is the velvet of his voice…

I miss him. That's pretty much all I have to say for the last seven years, my life half over again. I am tired of it. Every day I sit in the room staring at the walls. It's like a jail sentence. No one has ever given me an assignment. I have never been asked to do anything, as I'm not part of the food gathering chain of command. Occasionally I feed myself. I simply leave the city, find a convenient animal, drain it of blood, and return to my room to stare at the walls some more.

It is a very tedious way to spend eternity.

I almost wish for a war to take my mind of the mind numbing dullness and aching harmful tortuous waiting.

Oh, Edward…

My footsteps, my gliding cloak along the floor, my lurking menacing shadow… all these vampiric markers follow me into another stone room. I turn to see my first ever visitor.

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	23. Chapter 23

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"_Emmett!"_ I scream. So it isn't him, the one I dream of and desire more than anything else. But it's my brother. I've missed him too, so, so much.

"Hi, Bells!"

He gives me an immense hug, laughing as I bound into his embrace.

"I missed you! How could you get here? I thought… the Volturi didn't want you guys here."

Emmett laughs again. "Well, turns out that only applies to Eddy. See, Aro wants to see what will happen if he keeps you two lovebirds apart for some time."

"Fifty years is not _some time, _Emmett." I'm irritated that Aro can toy with my agony so casually.

"Hey, it isn't my stupid rule. Anyway, I'm here to deliver that news. Oh, and Edward loves you and is drowning in woe and agony and all that."

"Is he really?" He misses me? That's unexpected. Despite his rich words, I didn't much hope Edward would really wait for me. I'm not that special, after all. Why would he, or anyone wait fifty years for someone so unexceptional?

"Well, duh. He's wallowing in emo angst. Don't tell him I told you, though. It's kinda pitiful."

Guilt wracks me. "I hurt him that much?"

"Not your fault. You gotta get Alice back, Bells. Our whole family needs to be together. Hell, I'd do the same thing… but Rose'd kill anyone who stood in our way. That's the difference between you and her- you're not as scary." He laughs.

"Or as pretty."

He rolls his eyes. "No one's as pretty as Rose. But you're close. Not to be creepy or anything- from a brother to a sister, right?" he adds hurriedly.

"Emmett, I know."

He laughs. "Yeah, you're cool with weirdness. I forgot you were a human dating a vampire for two years. Now, give your big brother a hug."

"You're not staying?"

"I can't. I gotta get back to Rose and tell Edward how you're doing. They treating you all right?"

"They're fine. No one bothers me much. I just sit in my room pretty much."

"Sounds like Edward."

"No, it's not because I'm so sad. It's because they're afraid of me."

"Afraid of you?" He laughs. "Bells, I love you like a sister, but you're just not that scary."

"I killed Jane and Alec. They find that impressive."

His laughter subsides. "Point taken. You eat well?"

"Yes, I hunt every couple of weeks. They're good about letting me go out, but I have to go with one of the guards. Guess I know why now."

"I don't get it…"

"Edward. They're trying to stop him from sneaking to see me."

"Oh."

"This stinks."

"Yeah. Well, I'll tell him…"

"Tell him I love him, and I miss him, and I think of him day and night, and I can't wait to see him."

"Will do, Bella." Emmett hugs me one last time. "Bye. See ya around… I'll be back. Sooner than seven years, I hope."

"I'll be right here. Doing time."

He's still laughing as he walks away, leaving me slightly cheered.

But the disappointment I tried so hard to prevent leaves me even hollower than usual.

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	24. Chapter 24

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He circles me, blood-red eyes boring into mine. I treat him to a glittering smile.

His eyes fade out, unfocus. I lunge close to him, and he swings back for a punch. Nimbly, I dodge it, catching his still off-balance foot and sliding it back. He falls, and then clambers to his feet.

I don't allow time for recovery. As he shakes, I prepare for my attack.

I spring at him, shoving him into the wall. He gasps for breath and slumps to the floor.

"Mercy," he whimpers.

"No." I smile bitterly and leave him there, turning to the watching crowd. "Well?"

"You win, dear Bella."

As always. I nod to Aro, who gives me a wink.

I have triumphed in yet another training exercise- training which I've failed to use in any way whatsoever.

Until now. In two weeks, I have been informed I'll be needed to go quash a rebellion. I'm almost excited. It's been twenty years. The most exciting thing that's happened is Emmett dropping by once in a while. Jasper spends most of his time visiting Alice in whatever Godforsaken hellhole they've jammed her in, so I'm alone.

I enjoy fighting the Volturi. It makes me feel stronger than I've ever felt before. My newborn strength- and mindless bloodlust- has faded. I can stand the occasional human company. But I'm still tempted.

And I can still defeat full-grown well-trained vampires.

Felix stands bitterly. "Good bout, Bella."

"I certainly think so." I grin at him. "I am so glad you enjoyed being defeated."

I make no attempt to befriend the Volturi. They are not my friends. They are a group of enemies with whom I am forced to spend large amounts of my time, and nothing more.

I tolerate them. And nothing more.

My real friends, my real family, is currently torn across the world, bleeding for lack of solidarity. But we'll be together… in thirty years. Until then, I have a vampiric menace to defeat, apparently.

Joy. I'm sure that should be fun.

I have never used my power in fighting. It seems sort of like cheating… but if it was my life or someone else's, I would absolutely choose my own. I have Edward to live for. He is so much more valuable than anyone and anything else, so I will gladly put aside morals, values, anything for him.

And he wants me, or at least Emmett always says he does. In my long years of empty rumination, I find myself wondering if I does, if he even can. Maybe, he is most unlike me. He is enjoying this separation, and instead of counting down the days, dreading the time when he has to see me.

It seems likely. But Emmett is not the lying type.

So I can pray the unlikely is true, and Edward remains mine.

What I wouldn't give… there is nothing, nothing I wouldn't give.

I leave the room without a further word. I am alone, as always, and I shudder to think this confinement of lonesomeness may never end.

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	25. Chapter 25

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"Aro, I would like to speak with you," I begin, politely. When one is dealing with Aro, it is _always _wise to be polite, as he's insane. One never knows what will set of a burst of rage. His temperament is totally unpredictable, because of the previously mentioned mental instability.

"But of course, dear Bella. But of course. Lovely show last week, by the by."

I smile and nod. "Thank you."

"You won by the largest margin ever, I believe."

"Nothing unusual, for me. Not to sound vain."

"But you are the best."

"Aro, I came for a reason." I try to turn the conversation from myself to what I need to confront him about- carefully, of course. I need to be careful.

"You always have a reason. Do you ever act upon a whim? You are the very opposite of me, Isabella. I am a creature of impulse. You- not so much."

I laugh at that. The sound is hollow, like me. I find it ironic. Or amusing. I failed that L.A. test. "Very true."

"What did you want to ask me?"

"About… about Edward." It's taken me the twenty years since Emmett's first visit to work up the guts to ask this. Part of the reason (and I'm ashamed to say it, but a more compelling part than even my fear of Aro) is that I don't want to say his name. It's far worse now than it was during those dark months. Now it's my own fault… I left him. I had to be an idiot and go and _do the right thing _and it's cost both of us so much.

And I hate being reminded of it. It hurts so much to think of him, to know I'm probably losing him, no, I've probably lost him, and I'm going to get out of here in twenty-three years and he won't want me…

"What about him?" Aro prods gently.

"Well, I wanted… Emmett said… why can't he come visit? Just for a few days. An hour. Anything." I am ashamed again, that it's begging, that I'm groveling and pleading for something so tiny, that I don't have the strength to stop myself from it.

"No. I'm sorry."

"Why?"

"Because, my dear Bella, it would… it would decrease your effectiveness. You are something of a legend. Did you know that? I can see from your face you didn't. No, it's true. And don't protest, I'm trying to explain myself. You are a tale. A hero. Vampires all over the world know your name. Isabella Swan, the human who loved a vampire and got herself changed for him. And it isn't just the romance, though that lends itself nicely to the telling. No, the action, the adventure… and then, add to that the fact that you're the most fearsome weapon the Volturi has, that you took down the terrible Jane and her brother in a single afternoon… that you defeated Victoria while still a human!"  
"That was Edward," I protest, the first complaint I've managed to stutter out.

"Yes, I know… but they don't. And so much more. Now you're a heroine again, languishing in this castle, defeating enemies, waiting for a battle and your prince's return. It is a great story, Bella. A great story, and I so love stories."

"But why can't I see Edward?"

Aro sighs. "Don't you see?"

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	26. Chapter 26

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"No, I'm afraid I don't. I simply can't understand why you'd be interested in depriving me of the only thing that can make me happy."

He shakes his head as if to say _silly Bella. _"Well, your tale was looking dangerously close to a happy ending. I couldn't have that."

"Why not?"

"Because happy-ever-after is _boring. _It's tedious. It's always the same. There's no danger. No fear. No action."

I can't believe this. I can't believe him. This is my life, not some giant game. But clearly, the way Aro sees the world is as a chess board with him the mastermind, moving the helpless little pieces. "What do you mean?"

"You needed a villain, sweet child, and I so kindly provided one. I am the nemesis in this tale. I will struggle to separate you and your valiant lover- but fear not, happiness will prevail. It's merely a matter of time." He smiles angelically.

"You did all this so you could play the hero?"

"No. So I could play the villain. I just want to see how it will all work out. One more obstacle. You've had so many before, Isabella. Surely one more can't be a problem. This little issue won't last long. You can just spend a while longer in confinement here, defeat some enemies, and the story will wrap up."

I don't want my story to wrap up, and I don't want to suffer any more. Haven't I had enough obstacles? Shouldn't we be together? It's all I've ever wanted… the only thing I've ever wanted. Edward. "Aro, I don't… does it… why can't I see him?"

"Because, my dear, there simply isn't enough pain that way. It is so truly a better fairy tale if I keep you separated for a little longer. You can't suffer if you get to see him," he says. And he smiles as he does so, as though explaining something very simple to a very stupid, very small child.

"I can," I offer far too quickly. "I'll suffer plenty. Make it as long as you want between visits. Years, even. I don't care. Just let me see him, just once. Don't you think it's better torture to make me anticipate and continually disappoint me? With only the occasional visit to keep my hopes up?"

He shakes his head. "No, Bella. No."

"Why not?"

"Because. You two are only miserable when you're apart. You've both tried to kill yourself due to a separation."

"Exactly!" I exclaim. "Don't you think that's enough? Don't you think that's plenty of conflict for one story? Your readers are going to get bored, Aro."

"But there are no readers. There's only me, Isabella. And I don't bore easily. I'm several millennia old now, and you are far more fascinating than any lovers since… oh, I'd say you're even better than Tristan and Isolde."

"Um, thanks," I say. I'm not entirely sure that's a compliment. "But…"

"No, Bella. Now, I have a world to rule, if you'd be so good as to excuse me."

He sweeps out of the room. I watch him leave, and then scream. The sound echoes against the empty walls.

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	27. Chapter 27

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This is sick. Horrible. Terrible. Evil. Awful. Heinous. Twisted. Cruel. Sadistic. Horrific. Terrible. Mean.

Bad.

I'm running out of vocab words here. Let's leave it at _I'm not pleased with Aro at the moment. _I think that may be a perfect concise summary of my emotions.

I scream again, wordlessly, and punch the walls. I think the phrase for _this _reaction is _temper tantrum._

How dare he? How _dare _he? This is my _life. _This is my _heart _he's _breaking _for _fun. _

I knew Aro was _crazy, _but I think he has officially outdone himself.

I'm sure he'll be pleased. After all, he finds pain amusing.

Isn't that some kind of mental disorder? Can vampires _get _mental disorders?

Shouldn't the other Volturi _not let him get away with this_?

Or do they share his taste for screwing up people's lives?

I have to see Edward. I have to- I can't live without him. It's just a fact. I need him. I can not live without him in my life. I need to see him, to touch him, to hold him close, to know he's mine, to love him. It is a need every bit as potent as the old ones for air and water, now superseded by _blood._

My love and desire for him is only compounded with how totally pissed I am at the moment. I need to defy Aro almost as much as I need to see Edward.

I have to get out of here. I have to. I can't live without him. Not for another second.

Just let them try to stop me. I can use my power if I need to. But I won't. I'm the best warrior of any vampire here. I know that- I've taken them all down at one time or another.

I am idly amused by the idea that _I _am the scariest thing here, that someone as formerly helpless as Bella Swan, a human among vampires, can defeat any one of the royal vampires' guards with both hands tied behind my back.

It's rather a satisfying idea.

If they all attack at once, I can use my power, sure. But I won't need to. I doubt anyone will stop me. They're all scared.

I killed Jane and Alec, after all.

And besides, they'll just assume I'm on Aro's business.

I leave the room quietly, almost tiptoeing. I want to go unnoticed. Though I'm an awful liar, I try to spread a falsehood with my body language. I send a message that _I'm not doing anything wrong. _

It is believed.

I stop in my room and slip on a long, dark cloak, the classic uniform of the Volturi.

As the garment falls to the floor, past my feet, I permit myself a brief, triumphant, anticipatory smile.

I will see Edward soon.

Then I leave that room also, walking silently through the hallways. No one stops me. I am not prevented.

I slip from the tower, walk freely through the streets, and make it out of the city.

I have shed the cloak and am running from Volterra when I remember.

_Alice._

I have no choice. Immediately, I turn and run for the interior of Volterra. I don't know yet what I will find on my return. Will they not have even noticed my departure? That's a possibility, though not a very likely one. Will they have killed her already?

Despite my pessimistic brain, I admit that's no more likely. She's an asset. So is Jasper. And so am I. They aren't willing to risk alienating all of us so Aro can play his sick little games.

"Edward," I whisper. "I love you." It would be crazy to pretend he can hear me, and yet I do. I imagine he can help me now. "What do I do?'

I run purposelessly and inanely through the dark and unfamiliar streets- I rarely travel the city, except to hunt. I don't know much or anything about how to navigate, and certainly not in my panicked state. I dash aimlessly through the cobblestoned streets, only entwining myself further in this catacomb.

A human mother rushes by, with her two children clinging, each to one hand. She notices my distress, and, kindly, stops and says, "What can I do to help you, dear? You look lost." It isn't in English, of course, but I speak Italian now.

"I… I don't… the clock tower?" I hope I can find my way home- I shudder at the word- from there.

"Just through there, dear. Here, let me show you."

"I can't thank you enough!" or pray enough for her to leave. God, I can't stand the smell of it! I can feel the warm venom rushing down my throat, hear their hearts pounding- they sense danger, even if they can't imagine that this slender girl poses any. They know, in the repressed instinctive part of their minds, that they fear me, but they refuse to act on that knowledge.

Just as I know when I see them one thing so clearly. _Food. _I should feed on them, I know. The predatory parts of me insist it. But consciously, I say instead _people. _They have lives and dreams and hopes, and I am no one to take it away from them.

Never mind the smell.

The little boy on her left promptly plops his thumb in his mouth as his mother leads me to the central court where the tower is. "You see it? Right over there."

"Thank you so much."

"Not a problem, dear, not a problem at all. Now, I'm going to head on home. You all right?" she asks kindly.

"Yeah, I am. Thank you again."

"You're welcome."

The woman leaves. I see her head off toward the direction from whence she came and feel a brief pride for not killing her.

And then I realize I'm still lost. I don't have the faintest idea where to go. "Great," I whisper, and then I hear something so unexpected that I gasp aloud into the dark, cool air of the night.

"Left, love. It's to the left."

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	28. Chapter 28

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"Edward?" I whisper. That sweet, soft, velvet voice still echoes in my ears. I can hear the perfect sound, ringing eternally, a whisper to be cherished as long as I have memory to hold it close.

"Bella, my dearest, it's just that way. To the left."

"Where are you?"

"Go where I tell you, Bella. Listen to me. The left, love, the left."

Utterly bewildered, I obey, running as fast as I can to the street on my left as commanded. I feel the cobblestones, hard and unfamiliar beneath my aching feet. This run is burningly familiar- I've sprinted through this passage once before. Last time I was slower, and human… but last time Edward was there waiting for me at the end.

I didn't know it then, but the fact remains that my love was nearby and praying for my return for him. Now I am again unsure that he is mine- and that he is here. Last time, at least, I could see him. Yet I can hear his voice, ringing like a perfect bell in my ear.

I run still faster as he urges me on. "I need you to go faster, Bella, for me, love. Please, run, run, now, please…"

It's practically gibberish, this pleading, but I heed the emotion behind it nonetheless- he wants me to run. So I do. It's really fairly simple.

The streets are dark and empty. No human sees me run by. The only thing I notice is a girl, about twenty, with short, dark hair and a white laptop. She is writing something, her fingers sprinting across the keys as fast as my feet dash across the street. She is utterly absorbed in what she's writing, but she does look up and at me for one moment. Her green eyes see me, and I wince.

"Hello," she whispers, almost a gasp, and then stares.

"Hi…"

I wonder if she'll comment on my extraordinary speed. There is a moment, but she does after a while, though it is not as I expected. "I won't tell anyone, you know."

"All… all right."

"And I'll bring him back soon."

She smiles. I revise her age down to about fourteen when I see the glint of braces on her teeth.

I gasp. "Do you know about…"

"Edward?"

I wince. "Yes."

"Sorry. I forgot you don't like to hear the name. You should go now. They're right behind you."

I run again, trying to forget this strange encounter. As soon as the girl is gone from my sight, Edward's voice continues to berate me. "Run, love, run."

I do exactly as he says, of course. I have to. Unlike my fears the last time this happened, his voice doesn't fade when I obey him. It remains a constant velvet whisper in my ear, whispering sweetly and softly as I run.

"You're almost safe now, sweetest. My heart, almost, almost. A little faster…"

"Edward?"

"Yes, my dear… no, don't slow down!"

I ask, "Edward, what am I running from?"

I can hear the sigh in my ear, can almost feel the hiss of cool breath as he exhales. "The…" and then he screams.

"Run, love. RUN!"

"Edward…" What was going on? He's scaring me. I can hear my lungs seizing up as I run and run. It's a good thing I don't need to breathe, and it's a good thing my heart doesn't beat, and dear God it hurts to hear Edward scream like this, beg me like this, for things I don't know how to give him. I run on, of course, as he commands, sprint through the Italian streets, felt the air whiz by my head.

"Bella, don't… run. Run!"

I can hear, distinctly, footsteps behind me. They are as fast and light as mine. It is a vampire behind me, I know that much. And I realize something. I stop dead.

"What are you _doing? _You need to keep…"

"No, I don't. I need to know what the hell I'm running away from!"

He sighs. "It's a vampire."

"Obviously. I'm not stupid, Edward. _Which _vampire? Is it the Denali clan again? More Volturi?"

"No."

"Does it have something to do with that girl?" I ask. She was weird, totally freakish, as far as I could tell. She seemed to know exactly what was going on, who I was, what I was thinking.

"Bella, you need to run."

"No."

"Bella…"

"No. I'm not so easily swayed anymore, Edward, my love. I'm a vampire now, and you aren't here to dazzle me anyway."

I heard a heavy exhalation of breath in my ear. "Please, Bella… trust me."

"Nope!" I pop the "p" sound, as I remember Jake used to when I was human. Edward didn't answer. I began to fear he'd left, and I calmed myself with effort.

It wasn't real. It was only a voice in my head. The real Edward loved me, or… didn't, entirely independently of what this delusion did.

But it sounded so much like him… that velvet voice, like sweet relief, like cool hands to a feverish forehead, like a kiss in the night, like air to a drowning man or food to a starving one… I needed his voice. I needed him, and if all I could get was pretending, I'd pretend.

Because I couldn't have my real Edward. I could only have this delusion, because of Alice. My sister. She deserved a consideration, didn't she? Only twenty more years, and I could have my real Edward, all of him, all I wanted and needed could be mine.

I only had to wait. And I would, I would be able to. I had to be able to.

I turn and see the tower of the Volturi, looming ahead of me. I knock on the great iron door. I hear a loud call. "Who goes there?"

"Isabella Swan. Let me in."

There is a loud silence. It rings in my ears, as I hear the footsteps behind me grow louder. I had almost forgotten my pursuer- my mystery enemy. Don't I have enough of them?

"Yes. Come on in," says the bored voice of Gianna's replacement, and I sigh in relief, just before I hear the footsteps stop.

There is an unexpected voice in my ear.

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	29. Chapter 29

**two more chapters.**

I feel a hand trace my neck, softly, always gently, and the whisper. I know it is real, or, if it isn't, my new life has added a second dimension to my delusions. I wouldn't exactly object to that, but I'd much rather it not be made up.

The hysterical voice of this month's human secretary- Ellen, is it? Elaine? Something like that… it doesn't matter… comes over the intercom. "Isabella? Isabella? Are you there, Isabella? I have the door opened for you. Do you need to come in? Should I close the door?"

It is quite clear that this girl would not last. She is too hysterical, whiny, even. Unlike Gianna, she lacks the unflappable cool when dealing with angry vampires. Well, I suppose it's a fairly rare skill set. But I'm distracting myself from my immediate problem.

Is he real? Can he really be here? I doubt it, somehow. It doesn't seem possible. Strange, how many things have happened in the last twenty-four hours.

An escape attempt, a mysterious encounter with a girl who knows far too much, a fight, a revelation, a chase, a delusion, and now this… so many adventures, when the past twenty-five years of my life have been so empty of any excitement, of anything at all for that matter.

But I don't have time to think about this. I have to do what I have to. I need to know if this is real, or another trick of my subconscious. "Hold the door, Eleanor," I say, getting the name right.

"Yes, Isabella."

I outrank her, even though I'm practically a slave here in Volterra. It doesn't matter- she's a human, and I'm a vampire, and thus in this strange environment, I have the ability and power to kill her easily. And she's a bit of a wimp, unlike my human self. She is always subservient, almost irritatingly…

I take in a deep breath. I'm getting off topic. Summoning every bit of my strength, I turn, slowly, to face my delusion. I can still feel his touch on my shoulder, no longer cold to me, but still the same in some ways- still distinct, I know it's him even without the words, no one else is that gentle, and yet so clearly loving, so passionate but with such control… and all this I can tell from one brush on the neck.

My face spins around, and I see him. I try to hide the surprise. I was right. I didn't think my delusion could be real. His perfect face curves into a smile, his wide eyes growing softer, like burnished gold, and he practically grins at me, all of his attention focused right at me. I shiver at the intensity.

The perfect voice I've missed so much whispers its words again. This repetition is even firmer, even tenser and more controlled than the others. Each word is terse, and yet filled with a love that makes me want to weep- but I don't have tears anymore, of course.

"I've missed you, _love,_" Edward says.

"Are you real?" I ask, inanely. Immediately, I'm embarrassed at it- what a _stupid _thing to say! This is him, my one true love, and he's here, right in front of me, for the first time in so long.

"Of course I am," he answers. "I'm real, and I'm right here, for you, love."

I notice the similarity to what he said after the first time he left me. I also notice that he's putting an almost abnormal amount of stress on the word 'love'. It's almost scary. And the way his eyes are gleaming- not just with love, but with something else. "Edward, is something wrong?"

He leans toward me, so I can't look away from the intensity of his eyes (not that I could anyway, not that I'd want to.) There is silence for a moment, and I shudder from the ferocity of it. "I really… missed you," he says again, like he isn't sure what he wants to say or how to say it.

"I missed you too."

"Really?"

"Really… but why are you here? It isn't that I don't want you- I do, more than anything else," I quickly add, seeing the pain flare up in his irresistible eyes. "It's just… Alice, Edward. What about Alice?"

"Well. Love. I don't know how to say this…" he ducks his head, as if ashamed. "I can't stand the pain. I thought I could, but I can't take _one more second. _If… if I can't stay here with you, Bella, I will die. So this is what I'm saying… come with me. Leave this place behind. Forget about everything except each other. Run away, far away, be happy with me… and forget about everything else. It doesn't matter to me, _love, _not anymore. I've done all the living without you I can stand. I can't take another minute of it. So don't make me. Let me stay with you, forever."

The words pour out like liquid. He's practically begging, and he speaks as quickly as he can. I recognize the emotion in them. He is miserable that he has to do this at all. It makes him feel that terrible guilt, the same one that made him leave me the first two times. And yet he has so much _hope _riding on it. I can tell he really loves me. I can tell he really wants me.

That doesn't make this easier. "Edward…"

He winces. "What?"

"We can't just run off into the sunset. They will _kill _Alice and Jasper, and probably the rest of our family too. Doesn't that matter to you?"

I can see him shrink back from the accusation in my voice, the harshness, and yet he closes his perfect eyes in pain and shame. "No. Not anymore, Bella… listen. I am asking you. Do this, do this for me. Come with me, because I love you, and I need you. Please. I'm begging. I'll do anything… for you, my love. Because I can't take one more minute without _you_ by my side."

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	30. Chapter 30

**THREE more chapters.**

I clench my fists and turn away. I cannot. I cannot. I cannot.

I cannot do this?

No, I can do this. That's the sad thing. I can do what I have to. I just really don't want to.

What I can't do is look at him while I break his heart.

I close my eyes, just for an extra measure of safety, and keep my whole body firmly averted.

"No, Edward."

That's all it takes, those two words.

I am safely turned away, yet I can _feel _his pain, his disappointment, wavering in the air. It's part of the way we're connected, I suppose, on that deep and inherent level. I don't need to read his mind because of how well I know him.

I know him, despite his mysteries, despite his levels of oddness and intrigue, despite the unpredictable twists and turns in his personality, despite everything.

I love him.

And so I know who he is. I know he needs me with him. I know he loves me. I know he really is telling the truth, that despite all the odds to the contrary, he's somehow still in love with me, unexceptional me, average me- the me who can never deserve him, who needs _him _and not the other way around…

Yet he's here, and doesn't that prove he loves me?

I know he does. He would never leave me again. He wouldn't have the strength. And I'll never give him a reason to again- I know that doing this… can't make him leave me, can it? It wouldn't hurt him that much. Twenty more years aren't _that _long in the scope of forever.

Right?

He'll wait, won't he?

This hurts. This silent contemplation, waiting for an answer. And then it comes. He touches my shoulder softly and I turn to face him. His eyes are very gentle and soft, totally without the anger or even the hurt I predicted. Edward doesn't look betrayed. He just looks like he loves me…

And that's the only thing I ever want to see again.

He opens his mouth as if to say something, and then pauses. It takes him a few tries to frame the words the way he wants to. Finally, I hear the soft music of his voice.

"Bella… I'm sorry. For coming out here and asking you for this. It isn't fair to you, I know."

"How uncharacteristically perceptive of you, Edward," I retort before pausing to weigh the consequence. He laughs aloud.

"Thank you, love. I think."

"You're not mad at me? I mean… for this. I want to come with you but I can't. I can't do that to my family."

He closes his eyes. "Can I blame you for doing the right thing, for being stronger than I am?"

"Edward, you need to get out of here. Out of Volterra. I'm not supposed to be here, and I don't know what's going to happen to Alice if I don't get back soon."

"Now?"

"Now."

He turns away from me.

And then back. "Wait, Bella. Just one thing… may I come with you, to speak to Aro? May I stay with you for just that little while?"

He's begging me. And it's such a small thing. And I want more than anything to be with him, even if it's only for _one more second._

"Yes… if I can get us in."

He positively grins. "Thank you, my love."

"My pleasure."

Suddenly light-hearted, he takes my hand and pulls me along with him. I speak, totally confidant, to the receptionist. "I'm coming in, Eleanor. Isabella Swan and mate. Alert Aro."

"You're not supposed… to…" she begins, haltingly.

I look at Edward, and he growls. The sound crackles over the intercom. The young woman gasps. "Come on in," she enthuses. As long as we don't kill her, I'm sure we'll be welcomed with open arms. They _really _need to find a less wimpy person for this job, or they'll find themselves murdered by werewolves in the night.

Well, it's not my problem. We brush past the girl, still hand in hand. He practically giggles. "This is kind of fun."

"What, endangering our lives?"

"No, breaking the rules. Bit of a rush, don't you think?"

I laugh too. "Now that we're together, maybe."

I pull him into a gray-walled stone room. Aro is waiting, of course. His hands are steepled contemplatively, his chin resting on his fingertips. "Why, hello, Isabella, Edward. What a lovely surprise!"

Is he _insane, _or just deeply strange? I sigh. "Hello, Aro."

"I don't recall inviting you into my city, young man. Not to be rude, of course."

Edward bows. "My apologies, sir. I was concerned about my fiancée. Can you blame me?"

His eyes glint. "You missed her this much? Enough to endanger your life, the life of your sister, _her _life?"

Edward does not raise his head. It's no longer a respectful gesture, but one of shame. "Yes. I did."

Aro grins and claps his hands, unable to restrain his enthusiasm. "Lovely!"

"Excuse me?"

"Well, I am pleased to see the effectiveness of my experiment."

"Pardon?" Edward says.

"Isabella did not explain it to you?" I shake my head. "Very well, I shall. Your Bella is here, son of my friend, for a reason… a most particular reason. I have noticed that you two share… love. True. Strong. And exceptional. That you could overcome the call of her blood to love her in such a way, and to choose a human as your mate. Such things I have never seen. And yet… your happiness, an ending to the drama of your story, seemed close. Perilously close. So I took it open myself, young Edward, to play the villain, to add another chapter to your tale."

Edward grimaces. I can see the anger on his face. I'm not surprised at his response—it is the same as mine was. "A game, Aro?"

"A great and beautiful game." He smiles. "And now, my friend, you shall play another part in it. I'm terribly glad you joined us here today, because it gives me a whole new tale to tell."

"And that would be?"

Aro's smile grows exponentially. He is beaming positively now. "Well, you may recognize some of the players, young friends. Familiar faces, familiar places—a hometown, as it were, to be frank."

"You're talking in riddles, Aro," Edward snaps.

"I like riddles. Nearly as much as I like stories."

I shake my head. "What do you want from us?"

"I have bargaining pieces. I'd like to do this as civilly as possible… but I have play. I _will _get what I want, so you know. But please, if you would, allow us to participate in this discussion calmly, as friends."

"What _bargaining pieces _do you have?"

I look blankly at Edward. "Alice. He has Alice, and Jasper for that matter. Our siblings? They are completely at his mercy."

"Precisely, Isabella. Ah, I knew I liked you for a reason. You chose your mate wisely, Edward. This one is as sharp as a tack."

I smile faintly at the praise, merely a polite gesture. My years amidst the Volturi have hardened me a little. I'm not as… innocent… as I was. I can lie now, for instance—and not just with words. With gestures, and even with feelings, I make others believe me. "And so, Edward, we're going to do whatever he asks."

"Blackmail."

"Just so," I agree. "What do you want, Aro?"

The ancient vampire pulls his hands through his hair. He smiles thinly. "Well… it is not mere extortion. I have the ability to make your lives either much more or much less pleasant. So I would like, if you are amenable, to offer a deal."

"A deal?"

Edward's still holding tight to my fingers. All this time has not dulled my sensitivity to him. If anything it's become stronger during our separation. I feel my heart start again, a phantom beat replacing the one I lost, speeding faster and faster as he lifts my hand to his lips. "I will agree to most anything… if it does not involve further time apart from each other. We must stay together. Of course, we'll do the rest of the sentence… but beyond that, we'll not agree to any time without one another."

Aro grins. "You shall like this deal, then. What I'm offering you won't force you apart. As a matter of fact, do this for me, and we shall release Isabella, Jasper, and Alice… immediately after you fulfill this one qualification."

Qualification. I meet Edward's eyes. The words are familiar. There were _qualifications, _originally, to our marriage.

My change, for one. And… other things.

I'd blush at the thought if I were human.

We all saw how well that worked out, of course. I'm an unmarried virgin, and I was changed by the Volturi, not Edward.

I doubt Edward is any more eager than I am to have more qualifications in our lives. And yet we have so very little choice.

His eyes widen, and I see the decision being made as clearly as if my power in fact worked on him.

"What qualification?" Edward asks.

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	31. Chapter 31

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****

"Shouldn't it be obvious?"

We shake our heads, and he sighs in disappointment.

"No, I see it isn't. Ah. Well. I would like you to do me… a favor. A mission, if you would, Isabella. You're our best trained guard, you know, but until now, we've not had a real use for you."

I sigh. Yes, this much is true, but I am no longer at all eager to use my newfound skills. It's not like I'm alone and bored out of my mind in Volterra with no one to help or even distract me. I'm back with the love of my life, and danger is no longer desirable. I have to keep myself safe for him. Thrill-seeking is out of the question- but I may not have a choice.

"Aro, forgive my curtness, but what is it you want us to do?" Edward says.

"As I should have hoped you'd have surmised by now, I want you to deal with a very dangerous enemy."

"Whom?"

"The werewolves of La Push."

Edward nods. "All right."

"_What?" _I exclaim. "Absolutely not! Edward, what are you…"

He places a gentle, almost a comforting, hand on my shoulder, and whispers, "Alice. My love, think about Alice, Jasper… and me."

"You're willing to… my friends, Edward. They're my friends. They are, in fact, the only reason we're alive today. Are you forgetting that?"

His eyes blaze. "I'm willing to, if it will mean we are safe and together. I don't care about anyone or anything beyond that."

Aro runs a fragile hand through his dark hair. "An answer, if you would?"

"I agree to this condition," Edward says formally.

I glare at him. "I _don't." _It's obvious to me that Aro is simply playing the villain again, but nonetheless I ask, "Why do you need the wolves gone?"

"Caius believes they may pose a threat. He wants them gone."

I'd almost forgotten there were any other Volturi. Aro is by far the most vocal of them, and I'm nearly certain he's the evilest. "Can I get some specifics? What's the job?"

"You and Edward, along with Alice, Jasper, and any of your coven you feel may be useful, will be transported to La Push. We'll provide three weeks to do the job. If there are any werewolves in La Push when we come to check in, we will destroy them, and you as well. Understood?"

"Better than understood," Edward says, "Agreed."

I give my love the nastiest scowl I can summon up. It isn't easy to be mad at him, but I manage, given the circumstances. "No. I mean, I understand, but I _don't _agree."

"It's a… how would one say this? In my old age, I'm losing touch with the languages—ah. It's an all or nothing deal, my friends."

Edward touches my shoulder and looks into my eyes. I feel my resolve, my better judgment, splinter into nothing as his golden eyes burn with a bright fire so beautiful it is almost painful to look at. "Trust me," he whispers. "Please."

I do the one thing most against my nature. I would not have thought even I could be so selfish, but I sigh and say, "All right, Aro. I'm in."

"Excellent!" He claps his hands together in the manner of an excited child. I grumble.

I am furious at myself. Jacob. Embry. Quil. Sam. Seth. Leah. Colin and Brady, who are still children. Paul. Jared.

What have I just agreed to?

Murder. Cold-blooded murder to serve my own ends… no. It's not quite so heartless and cruel. It's not totally without reason. I am protecting myself and my family.

By killing my friends.

How will I ever have the heart, or the lack thereof, to follow through with this? How will I do it?

I won't be able to. I will have to sit out. And then worry about Edward's safety.

I'll never survive it.

"You are free to go, my friends. Just keep in mind that we can locate you anywhere in the world you attempt to free. There is no safety, if you renege on your deal."

"We won't. We'll get the wolves out of La Push for you," Edward promises, and in those words I see some hope.

There is a mischievous glint in his smile that alerts me to a simple fact. Edward has a plan, as always. He's not going to let this transpire the way Aro plans it to. He won't expect me to kill. I count on it.

"Where's Alice?" he asks.

"Right here," comes a musical voice. I turn, and then laugh aloud in delight.

"Alice!"

I rush into my sister's arms, picking her up—she's tiny, and now that we're both vampires, it's almost effortless to lift her. "I missed you so much," I say, and she nods her agreement.

Jasper appears too. "Hello."

"No need to be so shy. I'm not edible anymore," I tease, and he lopes forward, smiling.

"You've been filled in on the plan?" I ask.

"Yes. Shall we go?"

"I'm as eager to get out of here as you are," Alice murmurs. Flitting across her mind, I see terrible images.

A cage in the middle of a dark room, throwing herself against the bars again and again, deep thirst rushing in her throat. Jasper's voice full of desperation in the dark, unable to see her or touch her or comfort her, trying to soothe her with words and his power but nothing does any good.

Alice's thoughts are somewhat unusual. They run in a pattern like her visions, an oddly fluid rush. I sigh at the painful content in them.

Jasper is wincing, too, like he can't stand this place. I'm sure it's been worst of all for him, having to watch Alice in so much pain, totally unable to help her.

I lead the way out. As we walk outside the walls of Volterra, Edward smiles. "So, the plan."

Edward's hand is around my waist, as though we were never apart, and the touch is so comforting. "The plan?"

"My plan." He looks at my confusion and smiles. "Love, you didn't really think we were going to… you did, didn't you? You thought we would really have to kill the wolves? After… oh, my love. I'm sorry. Let me tell you, darling."

I sigh in deep relief.


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